Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads, and the Moms who fulfill both roles. May your dreams for your children come true, and may you all know the deepest love imaginable. It’s starts within you. You’re all super stars in my eyes.
So, when I left you last I was remarking how I wasn’t ready to graduate yet. That I have classes I still want to take. Well, I also have classes I need to repeat, apparently.
Today went exactly as it was designed to unfold, just a little differently than I had hoped. But we all know that if we let go of the outcome the creation will exceed our expectations, right?
I’d searched and searched for plans for a clubhouse to build for my son’s birthday. I didn’t tell anyone about what I was working on. No reason to. I was capable of building it, and I wanted to do it for my son. Then I started to feel that it would be a meaningful thing for The Genius and I to give the clubhouse to both boys as a sort of joint birthday present (little dude’s birthday is in 6 weeks). And I didn’t want The Genius to feel left out. As I’ve said before, it’s important to me to somehow attempt a few ‘family’ experiences so the boys don’t think the entire unit vaporized.
Now is when you can step in and tell me what a fool I am. But, by the time you finish this post you may recant your words.
The Genius arrived this afternoon for a few hour visit with the boys. It was then that we were going to tell them about the clubhouse. I went to run an errand, and upon my return, my oldest son held up plans for a club house and said, Look, Mom!
I was floored. Really? You couldn’t wait until I was home? According to The Genius there was no big reveal, our son simply found the plans in his bag. (I later come to find that The Genius had put them on the table in plain view, but the deets aren’t important. At least I’m learning that part!)
Would have been nice had you insured that didn’t happen so that we could tell them together. And, this is not a small gift. This isn’t something you just whip out casually and say, Oh, yea…we’re gonna build a clubhouse. You make a big deal out of this one. It’s supposed to be memorable. It’s not like it’s a $10.00 gift card to iTunes.
I was mad. And was promptly told that nothing happened. That there was no discussion about the clubhouse. There was no big reveal in my absence. That I’m just creating an excuse so I don’t have to go to the pool with them and spend time with The Genius. That I’m being ridiculous.
My mistakes? Letting him know I was mad. Acting mad. I had a right to feel mad, but I could have just dealt with it on my own. I should have simply told The Genius that I was disappointed that I couldn’t be there to tell them about the clubhouse. I also never once called on my Observer Self during the 20 minutes it took for them to leave the house for the pool. I also never consciously centered myself. Had I done those two things alone I would have said this:
I’m disappointed that the boys saw the plans for the clubhouse without me here. I feel left out and let down. Bam. Done. Move on. All it takes is saying how I feel and the feelings dissipate. They don’t fester. They don’t linger. Man, I wish I had tuned in. It is so hard to do in the heat of the moment. I know now that when I am able to do that on a regular basis I will have arrived. Cue the music, pull out the taffeta down, shine up that tiara.
And also take note that when I stick to my boundaries and speak from the heart, my anger is transformed into disappointment. A much gentler emotion. A much more honest and vulnerable emotion.
The stuff I don’t need to say? This is typical, even if unintended (which is another word for unconscious in this respect), behavior. A person who takes into consideration others would have swooped in and snatched the papers out of his hands and diverted his attention, so that I could be there to tell them also. No matter what the circumstances, I am the one who is wrong. It’s never you. I am the one who creates the problem.
What kills me about this is that I DID CREATE IT! I should have just built the freaking club house as I had planned to do. But, I also further created it – and here’s where the optimist in me comes out – because I still need practice at centering and calling on my Observer Self. So, what better way to practice than to create a situation like clubhouse-gate? Without these experiences I would not grow.
Say it with me kittens, This isn’t about The Genius. This is about me being able to stick to my boundaries in whatever scenario presented to me. That I will always come from the heart. And that my words will always be genuine and true. Had I centered on my boundaries before reacting with anger I would have honored myself in my response. And, in doing so, I would have grown a little more. Matured a little more. Been more graceful. More loving to myself. And to those around me, whomever they may be.
I learned something huge today. I may not understand how all solid things are made up of moving molecules. And I can’t cocktail-talk on the String Theory (which up until only recently I was calling the String Cheese Theory). Don’t even get me started on Curling. Sticks, round discs, ice, people standing around…it’s shuffleboard for those in cold climates. I don’t know one rule or one objective. But I do know this – I am consciously incompetent in calling on my Observer Self and centering when dealing with a difficult situation involving The Genius.
Which means that unconsciously competent is right around the corner.
I know I can rely upon you to let me in on the secret when I get there.
Father’s Day did not go as planned. It’s not the end of the world. Or the beginning of the next. I haven’t fallen into a black hole, but if I did at least then I could tell you what it is. My day wasn’t ruined. In fact, I learned a great deal. This was an encounter. An opportunity to explore new ways of being. I need a do-over on some, and others I aced.
Onward and upward…
Slow and steady wins the race…
Perhaps Land, ho! would be more apropos for this coming week…