In the film Titanic, do you remember the moment the ship sinks into the sea and Jack and Rose are sucked down, spun around and then propelled back to the surface, breaking it and gasping for air? The amount of energy moving and vibrating and displacing…those who lived to tell the tale must have struggled with finding words worthy of describing that moment. Not to make light of that tragic disaster – the fear, terror, deep sadness may just be indescribable, but there are similarities between then and the moment I discovered that my former spouse was having an affair and my marriage was a sham.
When I go back to that moment, recreate it and observe it, I can see the energy. The air isn’t vacant space, it bends and undulates like the air just above hot pavement baking under a desert sun at high noon. My body isn’t a 3D mass with only the exterior visible as I pound the tile floor trying to comprehend the significance of what I heard over a cell phone connection. I was vibrating all right. Nearly to the point where it felt I could separate, molecule by molecule.
I can see in between, around and through myself.
Although my former spouse was hundreds of miles away, our bodies experienced the impact of our energy in that moment. And the energy of his infidelity, then discovered. Like particles traveling at near the speed of light coming from opposite directions, we collided and blew apart. When I came to the surface I was a changed particle.
That moment in time will not fade with the passage of time. It will remain crystal clear for me. Always. It will likely forever hold the title of Most Significant Energetic Moment Ever. One that lead to my desire to understand physics.
That may not seem like a real significant outcome, but it is mind-blowing to me.
Somehow I escaped high school without having to take physics, calculus or a second year of a foreign language. I barely took the first year. My exposure to math ended with algebra and geometry. I remember three words in French – la plage, l’hopital and l’aeroport. Although I always spelled l’aeroport wrong. You can probably guess why I could remember l’hopital and l’aeroport. My cat could remember those words. But la plage?
It means beach. That’s an important word.
Physics never made sense to me. I couldn’t even understand the course description. Being intimidated by that alone meant a blow to my GPA at the end of the semester, for sure. I got out of taking the class by taking AP English when there was nothing AP about me academically. My counselor probably fudged some paperwork out of a desire to finally graduate the last of my clan. 8 Everests in 16 years through our little school system. It was time to make way for some other Irish Catholic family.
I selected my college because it was one of the best in my field of study. As such, it didn’t want our minds to be polluted by classes that would be meaningless in our chosen line of work. That meant no math (at the time I thought physics was just another math course) and no languages. We spoke English. That was sufficient.
I didn’t go visit any other college. I had found my version of Intellectual Utopia.
I wonder if having at least some understanding of the physics of our Universe then would have altered where I am now…
Someone mentioned physics to me at some point in my 30s. It had to do with baseball, which is why I paid attention enough to remember hearing the word and then decided I wouldn’t be able to comprehend the details so I would uh-huh my way through the conversation.
The day after my former spouse returned from his 2 month business trip, and two months post Pocket Call, I flew back east to be with my family. My first night back I watched a documentary with my oldest brother narrated by Stephen Hawking. I fluffed up the pillow I had brought out to the couch and curled up with my head on feathers thinking, I’ve always wanted to be able to hold an educated conversation about the Big Bang theory. Beyond saying, That was one hell of an explosion, right?
Out of 2,520 seconds I absorbed about 100. And that was the first blast of desire in my quest to understand how our Universe works. A desire that, like the Big Bang, came from absolutely nothing.
That desire has grown into a way of being for me. 80% of the time I am acutely aware of energy. That which I create, that which I absorb and all that which swirls around me. The other 20% of the time I get discombobulated, like I did with Mr. Wildcard on the night of the meteor shower, nearly one year ago. That night I was completely oblivious to the blasts of energy I shot out at him. Totally unaware of how my energetic being affected him. Like the Pocket Call, that night in the Sand Dollar will forever be etched in my memory. It remains a fine example of the Law of Attraction, and by contrast the Art of Repelling.
Our friendship shifted that night. It went dormant. Actually, it slowly turned sour. Which was the exact opposite of my intention! A perfect, if painful, lesson in the power of Energy and the need to be consciously aware of what we project and how it may differ dramatically from what we intend or what we need. Also a lesson in the importance of not imposing our energy on another. I bet there is a theory that says we can’t not impose our energy on another, but I do believe we can create an energy boundary that keeps our energy close, perhaps nuzzling but not suffocating that of another.
The next day a remarkable set of experiences occurred culminating with a few messages from the Universe sent via a Sand Dollar, a Sea Anemone and a Starfish. (I know you have lives to lead, but please reread the post if you can. You won’t doubt the magic of the Universe and its love of cycles and perfect timing.)
The message of the Starfish (STAR!) was particularly comforting and a lesson much needed to learn: “Starfish has amazing regenerative properties with an indication of coming back stronger and more abundant. If Starfish comes to you something in your life may take a year to regenerate, but when it does, it will be better and more abundant.”
Over the last year I’ve had plenty of alone time to ponder the power of energy, learn more about the Universe and how she works, and gain better mastery of my energetic body. My physical strength is the equivalent of a rec league player, the strength of my energy that of the finest Olympic athlete. And that goes for all of us. Our energy can move mountains, and sometimes that creates avalanches of unintended consequences. I’ve gone back to that night and accepted that I needed to create that experience so I could come to where I am today. My energy no longer runs amok. And the Universe is a safer place as a result.
Mr. Wild Card is safer, too.
Last week our paths crossed. An hour or so before it happened I knew it would. Like lifting a weight or holding a plank, I did a little energy workout. Settling it down, pulling it close to me, and making sure that my Ego wasn’t projecting out something that was false, misleading, disruptive. It took all of a minute.
And it made all the difference in the Universe.
For the first time in a year, Mr. Wild Card and I laughed together. We talked about life, baseball and Montreal, the Guy Code and the absurd mess in Washington D.C. He created opportunities to stop by and chat, whereas in the past he would create space, disappearing upon my arrival. We hung out. And I kept my energy to myself.
That night I sent him a text with a link to a beautiful hotel by the port in Montreal – a place to stay should he decide to travel there. His response:
Thank you gorgeous.
I didn’t get butterflies. I just thought, Wow, what a difference a year makes. (I hadn’t remembered the Starfish totem meaning until I reread that post just today, but I did know that it was November when we stayed in Stinson Beach for the meteor shower.) Then I took quick stock of the state of my emotional body. Nothing had changed – not with the time spent with Mr. Wild Card or with the arrival of his text. I don’t desire a romantic relationship with him or with anyone. Someone telling me I am gorgeous is wonderful, but it isn’t as important as me loving myself and feeling gorgeous on the inside. I glow not because of outer beauty but because of inner contentment. Peace. The knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right here, right now. I am more compelled to date the Universe and learn its secrets than to date a man.
I replied with this:
I will confess to reading his text a few times before I went to bed. Which was a good thing, because upon waking it was clear to me what he meant.
The hotel was gorgeous.
And it is.
That Ego…always spinning stuff as it wants to see it.
Later that day, after laughing at myself for the assumption that was just a big giggle from the Universe, I found the card pictured above in my suitcase which I had pulled out for my upcoming trip home to be with my family. I found it in a store in Bolinas. I was born on the 25th of February. Since I can remember I have always LOVED the fact that my birthdate is 25. On the inside it says this:
A writer…and a scientist…
Somehow, in the hours post Pocket Call, I realized that gravity was a cumulative force. If I didn’t accept or ignored the natural Universal desire (need) to come back into balance, to center (like a Weeble Wobble) every moment would be like another fall and each would cause more damage than the last. The pain would continue to fester, eventually becoming unbearable. Something would break beyond my heart.
I was rewarded with glimpses of other dimensions. If I didn’t accept the Universe’s offer to school me in the subtle world that exists in and around our concrete one I wouldn’t be seeing so much magic. Equally as wonderful, I wouldn’t feel so safe, so sure that everything is moving forward in a perfect rhythm, exactly the beat I have been seeking.
Now that I am not in such a frenetic state of mad emotional chaos, I’m going to play around with energy and pursue this desire to learn more about the Universe, it’s ever expanding nature, black holes and dark matter and my place in it all. My protege? The tall dude.
Monday morning he asked me what dark matter was and if I knew about the LHC – the Large Hadron Collider.
Who needs a date when there’s so much to learn and such a cool little person with which to explore?
Well, maybe one day I’ll want to really embark on a relationship – not just fantasize about one. But to insure that it’s meant to be, he’ll need to be a theoretical physicist and have summited Mt. Everest.
Good luck with that one, Universe.