Four years of infidelity. Not one year of total cheating betrayal but four. FOUR. YEARS. As long as our youngest child has been on the planet. Back at our newly purchased house, we were to grow old in, I stared at him as he folded laundry. A sigh escaped my lips. He noticed.
“I can’t imagine what it must be like to lie to your partner for four years.”
He looked at me. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I saw two sets of eyes. One set was black and bleak. The other set was frightened.
“You don’t want to know.”
You’re right. I don’t. I can’t begin to even imagine imagining how one goes down such a soul-killing path. And how another person – a mother no less – supports that, revels in it, and somehow loves the liar you have become.
At our next counseling session with Dr. K I had some one-on-one time at the outset.
“I want a divorce. Now.” I did not pause, grab a hankie, shake a shoulder or two. I put it out there and it felt damn good.
The woman who has as her tagline, “Couples Counseling Works!” nodded in agreement. There’s no coming back from a four-year betrayal. Without even a whimper of a fight, she threw in the towel. She called him in. And I told him.
He said we should think about that because of the tax ramifications. Oh. Yea. We should. Um, I still want a divorce. Now. You creepy, sleazy, smarmy child.
“The only reason why people get divorced is so they can remarry,” he says.
No, Genius. People often get divorced because they can’t stomach the fact that they married such a __________ (I’ll let you fill in the blank. Don’t hold back. You know you want to rip it till it feels good again.) They get divorced because they still have a shred of self-esteem left to re-root and grow. They get divorced because they want to be free to live a life in truth, with respect for themselves and others. They get divorced because the sight of their spouse makes them nauseous because the person they thought they had married had been a fraud since day one. They get divorced not so they can fall in love with someone else but so they can fall back in love with their own being.
In 8 weeks I went from married with issues to blindsided, betrayed and heading towards divorce. When I looked at Genius I couldn’t see the man I married anymore. I felt nothing. As I sat with his most recent confession (Note to you: When they say they’re so happy they don’t have to lie anymore expect more lies.) and let it pummel my being, I realized that I couldn’t be married to him anymore. There was no saving it for the children. I was by necessity jumping off the largest cliff ever. My desire to climb Mt. Everest pales in comparison to watching your life, the life you thought you were working on with a dedicated partner, crumble like a sand cliff.
I won’t ask why. I’ll ask how. How is it that men and women continue to have affairs when they know that (A) the truth will always come out and (B) the pain it causes is so devastating? They must simply care only about themselves and not care about anyone else. Oh, and they’re stupid.
As I walked away from the session with Dr. K, I felt spun. Four years. Of lies. Of betrayal. For four years he proactively hurt me. And our children. He thought more of himself than his family. That’s not a man. That’s a selfish coward. Sadly, it seems there are so few men left.
The road ahead will not be easy. But he did make it easy for me on one level. His actions were so gross that I was left feeling nothing for him. Not love. Not like. Not, Oh, I wish we could get through this. I felt the same thing for him as I feel when I see Kim Kardashian. “Why does she exist and why is she in my space?”
I never want to touch him again. Not even accidentally. Knowing he is in the same atmosphere as he makes my skin crawl. I have been living with a criminal. Hey, if this was Arizona that would be completely true! And don’t think I haven’t wished upon a star that we had moved to Arizona, even though I don’t think people should live in Arizona. Hello, water!!
My children interact with this dishonest, emotionally vacant narcissist. Oh, God, why didn’t I use a sperm bank? The thoughts that streaked through my red-haired head were ugly. In such a short period of time, I had never conjured up so many ways to verbally shred someone as I had in the two days post-confession number 967. I wanted this prick out of my life forever. And I wanted him pulverized by his own actions.
And then we flew back East to see the family. Joy. You’ve seen The Brange travel through the airport, right? We didn’t emulate them. At all. Longest day of my life. Ever. But at the end was a bonfire. And a series of texts that led me to Mr. Jackpot.