Thanks to the kindness of readers, we have retrieved the Lost Post. At one point while writing a particular sentence in this post, I was somehow logged out of WordPress. It was a sentence on a topic I have never addressed here at HGM, by choice. I took that as a sign that I made the right initial choice – Don’t go there. When I logged back in everything that I had written to lead you up to that sentence was gone, including the sentence itself. I went outside and looked up at a crescent moon surrounded by a glittering gaggle of stars and thanked the Universe for being so proactive with me.
So when I lost the post at the end of the night, I could only imagine it was never to be read by anyone but me. (Not that there’s anything dramatic in it. It seems fairly commonplace for HGM.) I’m not fighting the signs – my peace and happiness depends on my ability to pay close attention. So off to bed I went, smiling at the humor in it all.
Then a few fabulous readers sent me the complete post. Somehow it snuck out there and then vanished. So I’m re-posting here. Once it flies around the globe locusts may emerge, clouds may spill out cats and dogs, or my lungs may morph into those of a mountain goat, making my Whitney summit attempt a surefire success. Or maybe you’ll just have a laugh, or ponder my day, or read it and go, Eh.
Without further ado…
Murky Water, Made by Marley
Lost a pound or two overnight – how was your day? I’m stoked that I can’t transmit this dis-ease via keyboard. It’s not pretty. But, thankfully, I didn’t get hit as hard as the boys and even managed to fit in a game of badminton with them. All while dealing with a bunch of nonsense from The Genius because he’s…oh, goodness…who knows how to unravel that mess. Let’s just say he resents that I’m a stay-at-home mom and leave it at that. You and I know that the less we talk about him the more progress we’re making so I’ll make this short and short. I’m starting to see more clearly through the murky waters of divorce.
So, my post about the ONE day in the last month (keep in mind I don’t get the one night and every other weekend experience – when he’s gone he’s gone) that I’ve hired a babysitter (paid for by the generosity of my Mom) and spent a whopping 10 hours without parental duties has lit him up. So, poof! There goes my Vision Quest week in Mammoth, where I was going to stay before heading to Lone Pine to bond with Whitney, because I was asked to vacate the house for the week.
Is it Groundhog Day around here? Didn’t we go through this once? While the specifics are different, the basic premise of my plans being upended – given then taken away then offered again – by The Genius is the same. This time I’m not playing the game. I’m staying home. I’m meant to be here. This is happening again for a reason. I obviously didn’t make the right choices last time. There’s something I am not getting. The same questions are coming through. One month ago, I wondered why my Yachats plans had shifted, and shifted again. Was I being rewarded? Was I being challenged to remain centered in the midst of chaos? What was I supposed to be learning in this situation? I wrote this on May 20th:
“Oh, goodness…this all seemed so scattered. Why these gyrations? I needed to understand why.
Because I have to learn how to be comfortable when I’m not in the driver’s seat. Both literally and figuratively. I need to learn how to remain centered and flexible in the face of upheaval. I’m being challenged continually to remain present, so I can observe and respond rather than react when life moves in unexpected directions. Not just when the direction looks exciting, but all the time. Every moment of every day.”
And here and now the same lessons are being presented. I nailed the ‘remain centered’ part today, and I was remarkably present. As I was being chastised, I tuned in and felt the words ‘hold steady’ and ‘remain still’. At one point he said something about me ‘swimming with dolphins’ and ‘my boyfriend’. It clicked immediately. I knew where this was coming from and I didn’t need to get caught up in a conversation that was born out of anger. But, I did need to recognize that the post I wrote, that he read, was a catalyst for this tense situation. And I wrote the post because I swam in the bay. I felt these three events were coming together to teach me something. I created this. Why?
Because now I need to be in the driver’s seat. I need to take the wheel. I need to stop engaging in situations that are not productive. I need to remain true to myself and not gravitate towards fulfilling a role because I feel it’s being expected of me. The only ‘role’ is not a role at all. I am me. Not a pawn, not a shape-shifter, but comfortable in my own skin, with my own values, beliefs, needs and boundaries. Designed by me, for me.
Thankfully, my Observer Self has been in high gear since Wednesday, and that has benefited me immensely. Especially today. I’m grateful that I had the presence of being to call on her. She showed me that the excitement brewing in me yesterday is still brewing now. No one can take that away from me. It comes from within. As does my happiness. Which is why I was able to remain centered today. She also showed me that my time with nature kicks off huge opportunities for spreading my wings, for growth, for lessons to be learned. With her assistance I feel rejuvenated, not depleted by my dust-up with The Genius. I feel grateful, not angry. I feel loved, not unloved. I feel confident.
When a tense situation comes to an end, I am still me. I am not the situation or the emotions that were flung about. By being present and centered today I gained confidence in myself. Which leads me to have greater trust in my ability to move forward, put a foot down, state a need, stand up for myself, remain true to myself. I can make moves on my own. I can trust that what I am feeling from an encounter is accurate. That I’m reading people and situations more clearly. I’m not losing myself and becoming undone when submerged in emotional chaos.
I’m going to take this confidence, bank it and add to it daily. Every time I pay attention to a sign I can stand a little taller. When I come from the heart I can rest a little easier. Every time I have an encounter and I remain true to myself, I am getting a little closer to creating the life I need to be living. I have a lot to accomplish in the next few weeks on many levels. It’s time to buckle down and focus. I can feel that this is an extremely pivotal time in my growth. In hindsight, these last five days may be the single most important time period to date since the Pocket Call.
This is a long, slow maturation process, but I am starting to enjoy observing myself as I experience it. I’m becoming less afraid, more competent. I’ll summit Whitney, even without the acclimatization. And I will continue to succeed at living a joyful life no matter what he tosses my way. Thanks to the constant guidance from all of you and my amazing family, I can weather anything. I have learned a great deal about what would be nice (but impossible) and what is sufficient (and doable). I’m aiming for sufficient from now on.
Not that I have to clear things up for 99.99999999999999999999999999% of you, but just to set the record straight for those who may not have read my most recent post, or um, misread it, I did not swim with dolphins. They rarely enter the bay. I’d be more likely to encounter an arachnid doing stand-up paddling (at which that eight-legged thing would rock) than swim with a dolphin. A porpoise maybe, not a dolphin. But how would I be able to tell one from the other – I couldn’t even see my own nose! I could have been surrounded by Atlantis and the cast from every Pirate’s of the Caribbean movie and I would have missed it all. Oh, and that boyfriend thing? Look, just because I share a bottle of wine with a being that comes complete with a penis does not mean he’s my boyfriend. But if he was, he would rock at that, just like the arachnid on the board.
If I had a boyfriend for every time I was told I had a boyfriend, well, I’d be one
satisfied busy girl. With lots to write about. Alas, it’s not the case. So I’ll just write about needs. I swear. The next post. For sure. Unless something bat-crazy happens…