I have to meditate more. More? Pft. I have to meditate. When I hike I ponder, yes. Do I zone in a meditative way? I don’t think so. I am aware enough to know when I’m up in my head and not in my core as I let thoughts, feelings, issues float in and out of my mind. But I don’t let go, like I do when I sit and meditate, and support the absence of mind. I’m too afraid I’ll snag a tree root and fly face first into a (I just tried to look up on Google an interesting spider indigenous to Northern California to use here. Remind me to never do that again.) really juicy, furry spider, chipping my tooth on the rock upon which he sits, waiting for me. Grinning.
I pay attention when I hike. You have to here.
So, as much as I’d like to say my regular hiking also serves as a regular meditation practice, it doesn’t. And I’m feeling like I’m in a bit of a rut in my metamorphosis here on the blue marble. (Gee, I wonder if getting divorced has anything to do with that feeling.) It was on January 2nd of 2012 that I found out the extent of The Genius’ betrayal. The day I found out he had been living a double life for four years. Five months have passed since the vaporizing of my marriage. I’ve learned a great deal. Both through my own excavation and through the amazing sharing that happens here at HGM. Having the opportunity to write all of this out of me continues to be the greatest gift that has come from such a sad set of circumstances.
One of the big benefits of being able to share my story with you is that when I make a commitment to do something and write about it here, I do it. I may be several hours late on a post or days late in replying to a comment, but it gets done. I committed to be completely honest, and to share with you my most introspective thoughts, and that’s exactly what I do. That doesn’t always happen in my life in and around HGM. I’m pretty adept at flitting from one task to the other, making a dent here and there. Putting off some for days. It’s a tendency I’ve wanted to reshape for a long time.
I’d like to have a better rhythm (I can NEVER spell that world without looking it up. Perhaps that’s a sign.) to my day and also to my way of being. I’d like to be so present that I am moving to a steady beat, fully conscious, and grounded in my body. Yet very tuned in to my soul, my Observer Self, my intuitive side. I want to go deeper, see more clearly, and discern with greater ease. I want to be able to quiet my mind and live from my heart. I want to easily partake in the 3D nature of life here – handling the day-to-day tasks/joys/experiences – but not get caught up in things that distract me from my soul’s journey. I want to be regularly in the flow.
Unless they make pills with no side effects to accomplish all that, I’ve got to get my ass in the Lotus position and start toning. So I’m stating here, for the HGM record, that I am going to embark on a regular meditative practice beginning tomorrow. I feel a strong urge to do something extra to add to the momentum (I’m also definitely fearing a slow down in momentum. I’m paying attention to it, I promise.), to deepen the experience for me. I need more. I want to know more. Feel more. Love more.
There is a woman whom I have been blessed to know, I’ll call her Miss MM, who was instrumental in turning me from a Type A, living completely in my head person to a much more conscious, aware and centered person. She taught me how to breath. And then she taught me a WHOLE lot more, from which I crafted my own take on life, which continues to be shaped to this day. She is a wise, wise woman. I want to emulate her. That’s a tall order, but I know the benefits are massive. Potentially thrilling.
Miss MM doesn’t do or say anything without ‘checking in’ first. Connecting with her Observer Self, her Guides, her soul. She is always at peace with her words, her actions and the results of those actions. She has this wonderful balance between being proactive in her life and letting the natural flow create the perfect momentum, slowing herself down enough to notice the many signs that guide her on her path. She meditates daily, more than once. She’s the least anxious person I’ve ever met. She is so chill, so loving, so at peace with her life, and so trusting that she is creating exactly what she needs, day in and day out. She longs for nothing more because she knows it’s perfect as it is.
I’ll have some of that.
I’m not going to ask why I don’t meditate regularly when I know the benefits. I’m just going to start doing it. Tomorrow. I’m going to take the time to do something for myself that is immeasurably rewarding. It’s what I need to take this process to the next level. For the first time since I started an intermittent meditative practice I have much bigger issues to sort out than simply wanting to de-stress. I need the dedicated time and space to connect with myself, to build trust, to hone my intuition.
When I take the time to breath consciously for just 20 minutes, the blue marble seems a much more manageable place. I have a natural smile on my face. My heart is open. I see the details in what I’m looking at, whether it’s a child’s hair in the sunlight, a freshly baked loaf of bread, or the eyes of a stranger. My mind is my heart’s partner, it doesn’t run the show. I’m happy just because, not because of something or someone. I’m excited for what is to come but I don’t long to know what is coming. I’m at peace.
And I bet I glow.
I’ll tell you how I fare on Wednesday. Plus an update on Mr. Jackpot.
Has anybody seen Mr. Jackpot?