Today is a big day. My family (I’ve lost count on the number that makes up this tribe.) is throwing our beloved, fabulous, super-fantastic, loving, supportive, sports-mad, hilarious and beautiful Mom a surprise birthday party to celebrate her 89th year on the planet. I’m so grateful to have her and to be able to be with her for this most deserved celebration.
She leads by example. She loves without reservation. She aches for those who suffer, she cheers for those who persevere, she is the most giving person I know.
While in the air making my way East I had a feeling that this trip would clear out some internal fog. Something hasn’t been right lately. Hela Goddess – you all remember her, right? – sent me a note to check in. She’s been swamped doing whatever it is that physicists do. In her note she said something to the affect of, You seem off, Cleo.
She’s right. Something’s off.
While I swam laps today I scratched the surface. Because it’s not about The Genius, I know this is just the tip of what needs to be uncovered, but it’s a start. While I have forgiven him for his affair (a healthy and selfish move to free myself), I have not forgiven him for how he has treated me since its discovery. The most recent burst of anger was appalling.
My mind has reverted back to running one-sided conversations that accomplish nothing. My sense of humor has taken a hit, and I am not making time for nature.
That tells me I am afraid of what I will hear, see, feel if I am out on the earth for hours, alone.
I’ve been so serious with the excavation process. It’s time to lighten up. To relax. To allow myself to be a little less drill master and a little more organic.
Most of all, I have to let go of the need to be perfect now, and the belief that I will never be as perfect as I should be.
I’m going to just be me.
Off to prep for the big reveal! Thank you for being here for me as I bob and weave. You are all so very loved.