Not long ago, I opened an account on an online dating site. Over a four week period, I communicated with several men and actually met up with maybe ten of them. One was “Andy.” We went out once for dinner at a chain restaurant, which lasted about 90 minutes (no kiss at the end, not even on the cheek). It was a nice meet-up and I liked him, as a friend. Turns out, Andy has a chronic illness (not cancer); I have a chronic illness (multiple myeloma). Our health struggles and fight to stay well is one thing we have in common. We mostly talked about his diagnosis, treatments, and symptoms. He was flying out to another state a few days later for an experimental procedure and I was fascinated by it. We also talked plenty about my health, too.
We mostly talked about his diagnosis, treatments, and symptoms. He was flying out to another state a few days later for an experimental procedure and I was fascinated by it. We also talked plenty about my health, too. Afterward, I gave him a hug and drove away and cried. Health struggles suck. When I got home, I texted him: You’re a rock star. Be well and keep me posted.
In all honesty, I knew that even if Andy and I were a match made in heaven, we could never date seriously. Two people with health struggles would be a disaster. If it happens once you’re already committed, that’s one thing; purposely “going there” is entirely another. Life is already so complicated, at least for me (and him).
Six days after our one and only date, I texted Andy with well-wishes for his upcoming trip and procedure. I also said that while we couldn’t date, I hoped we would remain friends and fellow supporters. Andy’s response to that text shocked me. He was hurt, angry and devastated. Like crying devastated. What?!? He had grand plans for our future together and he wasn’t happy about it. Here we are three days later and I am still scratching my head over this. I am literally stunned and very sad. Nonetheless, Andy followed up with a guest article about dating from a guy’s perspective. While I disagree with a whole heck of a lot of his thought process (actually pretty much all of it), I still think it’s an interesting read and I hope you will, too.
Lessons Learned From Online Dating (From A Guy’s Perspective)
1) Good looking or nice looking women want physical attraction first and foremost, second and foremost, and third and foremost. They also want the bad boy, they say they’re sick of and don’t want [these types of men] anymore, but they do. Warning to men: Don’t go skiing the black tips, unless you’re prepared for rejection city. A good self-assessment is needed!
2) No matter how well the date is going, end before you want it to (they want/need the mystery/bad boy). I now say 90 minutes max, preferably shorter. Three to four-hour dates with no physical contact (see#4) is a friendship or counselor only, NOT a relationship!
3) If a woman pats you on the back during a hug after a first date, they are not interested in you, other than for a friendship.
4) No matter how well you think the first date is going or went, unless SHE reaches out and physically touches and contacts you, or you end the date with a nice kiss on the lips, she is not interested in you other than for a friendship. Be careful with this– if you touch her, it doesn’t really count. It may make you feel she is interested if she doesn’t visibly or verbally reject you, but it is clearly not the same.
5) Post first date texting – simply be polite AFTER she responds to you, no matter what, don’t send her a nice text first (again, she really wants the bad boy, not the nice one). If you’re a truly nice guy, this is hard, but don’t go there. It leads to harder rejection recovery time.
6) Any abrupt ending of returning texts or phone calls anytime while dating means she is with another man no matter what she tells you (which is just an excuse). She is talking, texting, dating another man or two or ??
7) Texting is not real dating development.
8) LASTLY, if it’s not clear, any woman you think is over your head, is, move on. WOMEN WANT THE BAD BOY.
9) Now for a personal tough one, DISABILITY – if you have a physical disability, most if not all women are really nice to you, dates are long, lots of conversation, lots of post-date communication, maybe up to two to three dates or more. Again, if she doesn’t physically contact/touch or kiss you nicely AFTER they see your disability, she is not interested, you’re fucked, life is tough, move on.