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Divorce, Infidelity

When A Wife Becomes The Other Woman In Her Own Marriage

August 21, 2014
by Stacey Freeman

“When I’m with you I feel like I’m cheating on her.”

I winced as I retreated, needing a moment to reconcile my husband’s derisive statement.

“I’m the Other Woman?” I beseeched. How could that be?

635441797930288793Fotolia_59055325_XS-1.jpgI was a faithful wife. Dutiful. A partner in the business of our lives, as my husband frequently described me to others with what I believed at the time high praise, especially to a woman who, though once career-minded, stayed home to raise her children. Yet somehow, some way, I had become the detestable, an intruder in a life I had only days earlier called my own.

In that moment I recalled the 1992 film, Single White Female, in which a new roommate calculatingly adopts the identity of the woman whose apartment she shares. I believed my ex husband’s mistress, now fiancée, the same. She injected herself into my life and took my place. Stole my husband and my lifestyle, and today even creepily shares an apartment with him in the same complex where we once lived together as a young family.

Two and a half years later, I finally understand my husband’s words. While a wife I played many parts. But there was one part for which I apparently needed an understudy—his beloved. Yes, I loved my husband. But I was no longer in love with him, and he not with me. Not for a long time. We both felt it.

There are many different types of love. But in order for a marriage to endure, to stand the test of time, to survive illness, financial troubles, and whatever other challenges life throws at us, that one indescribable feeling, the feeling we dismissively categorize in the catchall of love, needs to be present. But not only present, omnipresent, as in pervading every aspect of a couple’s life together. 

Love, as we say, is in the air. “Love is like the air we breathe. It may not always be seen, but it is always felt, used and needed.” (Unknown)

I knew that love once. Long ago. Now as I date, a part of my consciousness separates from the sea of activity around me. I absorb. I assess. Could I love this person? Is there a hint of the indescribable in the air, right here, right now?

Most of the time I already have my answer. No.

I believe the potential for love can be sensed within moments. If that moment is not there, I do not believe it ever can be. At least not in the way I would want. Yes, we can grow to love someone we like. We can respect them. Feel attraction. But experience passion? I remain skeptical.

At 41 years old, I have been advised by some to settle for less. Accept the realities of my situation. You are divorced. You are a single mother of three. You are in your forties. You are, you are, you are… 

I may be a lot of things but hopeless is not one of them.

My children are vacationing this week in San Francisco with their dad and the other Other Woman, now his bride-to-be. Yesterday the kids called to describe their visit to Alcatraz, the notorious penitentiary known for its perfect record for unsuccessful escapes. As I listened to them recount their day, I silently recalled my now ex husband’s refusal to take me there when I suggested it a few years earlier during a long weekend away. Somehow when it came to me and my wants there was never enough time, enthusiasm, or interest. My children, aware of my desire to also see the landmark, offered to return again with me. My heart warmed at their thoughtfulness, and then I felt regret.

A healthy marriage should be filled with that same sentiment. For years mine was not. I spent far too long accepting less than I wanted or deserved. I gave and received (and received and gave) less attention, less devotion, and less passion – in both love and in life. I lived in solitude as a result, watching the world go on without me from the microcosm I created at home.

Prisons are frequently referred to as correctional institutions, psychiatric hospitals as mental institutions. And, of course, there is matrimony, which is oftentimes described as the institution of marriage. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines an institution as “a place where an organization takes care of people for a usually long period of time.” The marriage I knew did no such thing.   

Visiting Alcatraz remains on my bucket list. Except the next time I visit San Francisco it will be as a single woman. I still believe in marriage and hope to be married again one day, though to a man who can be a loving partner to me, and I to him. I no longer live in the confining prison of a loveless marriage, truly one of the lucky ones able to escape.

And freedom has never felt so good.

More For You

About the Author

Stacey Freeman

I was a typical (yet still fabulous) SUV-driving suburban Jewish housewife. Although I graduated from a large national law school, I worked for all of one minute (not as a lawyer), and made the choice early on to stay home and raise my family while my husband built his career as a successful M&A lawyer.
Fast-forward 16 years. While I was busy polishing the granite and stainless steel appliances, competing with myself to be a more ethnic version of Martha Stewart, and running my three... Read More

Find me on Twitter

Comments

  1. lisa wahlestedt says

    November 9, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Thank you for this. I can really relate to your words. I was in a similar marriage.

    Reply
    • Stacey FreemanStacey Freeman says

      November 9, 2014 at 11:49 pm

      And you will be stronger for it. Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

      Reply
  2. Sarah Guinevere says

    January 8, 2015 at 12:24 am

    Thanks for sharing your story. But those who tell you to settle for less are wrong. After being alone for 3 years, no dating no nothing (once burned, twice shy…) I’m happier than I ever thought I could be – true love at 44. He’s unremarkable to look at, but he’s kind, clever, funny, considerate, and a wonderful father to his son. He’d given up as well, alone for 6 years. So I won’t say it will be easy… but I will say it is possible, and it is worth waiting for.

    Reply
    • Stacey FreemanStacey Freeman says

      January 8, 2015 at 12:46 am

      It is always inspirational to receive a comment like yours. Thank you so much for writing. Glad you both found happiness in each other.

      Reply
  3. nicolepe says

    April 16, 2016 at 1:29 am

    I want to use this opportunity to tell everyone about Dr Shiva of [email protected] com on how he help me reunited with my husband after 2 months of divorce.My husband divorce me because he saw another woman in his office and he said to me that he is no longer in love with me anymore and decide to divorce me.I seek help from the Net and i saw so many good comment about Dr Shiva on how he help to reunite lovers after separation and i contact him and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me which i use to get my husband back within 2 days.If you need his help Email him at [email protected] com

    Reply
  4. Tamarah says

    September 10, 2016 at 11:05 pm

    This was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story.

    At 24 I’ve never been married or had children, but I have been hurt terribly by my first and only boyfriend of 5 years. He cheated on me twice-first with my ex best friend and then with his friend’s girlfriend who had the same name as me. He left me for her by ghosting me: not returning my texts or calls. I’ve been single for a year, since we broke up. Never settle for less! I’d rather be happy and alone than with someone else and miserable! Peace be with you <3

    Reply
  5. howigotbackmyex says

    February 1, 2017 at 11:39 pm

    HELLO EVERYONE I WANT TO TELL YOU OUT THERE NOT TO GIVE UP ON SOMEONE YOU LOVE SO MUCH IF YOU ARE WORRIED WHERE TO GET THIS HELP YOU CAN CONTACT THIS GREAT MAN CALLED DOCTOR SAM  AT HIS EMAIL ADDRESS., [email protected]  OR CALL +2347081240557

    Reply
  6. calro says

    April 22, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    My Name is Mrs jossy, I was married to my husband for 12years and we were both bless with two children, living together as one love, until 2016 when things was no longer the way it was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 9 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don’t longer pick up my calls and nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr.hechicero cast a spell for me,now is with me and only me and i am happy with my family his email is [email protected]
     
     
    Reply
  7. fedrico says

    June 21, 2017 at 10:02 am

    I used to think magic was bogus but after Martin left me I felt open-minded to try it. Maybe I was desperate too. But this is real! You restored the love we had for each other. And now he proposed as you promised he would! I am your friend forever and very grateful for all of this. I will come back again, very soon contact priest ogidiga via email: [email protected] or call his cell phone on +23481882260982.stella from las vegas

    Reply

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