Is this it?
I ask myself this question a lot these days. A LOT.
My divorce has been final about 2 weeks now. 6 weeks ago was our 13th anniversary. Not that we celebrated. I can’t remember if we even spoke to each other that day. Although we were still living in the same house the entire divorce process so we probably kept it polite for the kids.
I thought I would feel relieved, happy even that I am “free.” Not that I was a prisoner. It was never like that. I wanted the divorce after all, not him, he was quite happy to plug along as we always did. He had no idea I was unhappy, miserable even at times.
So I ask myself, “Is this it?” because there is no big ceremony, no congratulations, nothing to celebrate when you get a divorce. All you get is a failed marriage and confused kids. A bunch of paperwork and a headache trying to figure out the best way to share the kids, yeah you get that too.
I still struggle every day wondering if I made the right decision. I know I made the right decision for myself. But I wonder if it was right for my kids. I struggle with a tremendous amount of sadness. I am sad for my old life. A life where, even if he wasn’t the best partner, at least I had a partner. Now I am alone. I struggle with the feeling that I will be alone forever. What if he was the only one that would want to be with me? And I am not alone; I have my precious boys, which I love more than myself. And as much as I got out of this marriage to save myself, I did it for them too. I tried to pretend for a while that it was a happy marriage, all the while I was dying inside.
Is this it? Was he really so bad? Why couldn’t I just stay and try to work it out? If you were to look at me you wouldn’t know I was abused. I don’t have a black eye or broken bones. Emotional abuse doesn’t leave scars you can see. Yes. This is it. This is my life now. Divorced. Single Mom. There is no going back. This is my journey to find myself. Because this is it.