Eleven months in, and I am still not liking 2016.
I am writing my year-end review a bit early, hoping that it will cleanse my mind and welcome in the newness and hopefulness of the new year.
I gave it a fair chance to improve, but it just seemed to get worse as time passed. I have struggled with everything from my health to my finances. I have experienced first-hand, the battle created between a soon to be daughter in law, and watched a son stand by, afraid to say anything, and knowing, expecting that I will forgive and always be there for him.
In spite of my fears that they are far too young to marry, I have never allowed those feelings to get in the way of my relationship with my son. I have tried to express my feelings, but not attach those feelings to anything punitive like my own mother did. If you marry her, I will blah blah blah. I thought creating open lines of communication would help. I love him, so I welcomed her. She loves him, and is good to him. Maybe I was too accommodating. They set the date; I didn’t learn until two weeks later that they placed a deposit on the wedding venue. Her mother knew. I am afraid to ask if my Ex was told. I am left to wrestle with my value because I cannot afford to contribute financially to this wedding.
I will forgive. I always forgive. Have I been too generous with my forgiveness? Maybe people in my life need to work a bit harder for it. Maybe it was just an oversight to tell me. It hurts to think that I was not told because I can come as a parent. I sweep my feelings under the rug. They came for Thanksgiving. I let her take control. She seems to need to do so, and I am too tired to fight.
When did I lose my spunk?
I am still trying to sell my house, and suffering without the availability of my child support that goes entirely to pay for this dumb, expensive house that I never wanted, but was supposed to be m share of a long-term marriage. Was my attorney really that good? Is this Monday morning quarterbacking, or were the failures in the real estate market and the hurricane foreseeable? Could I have made better choices for my future?
I’ll never know. I think I made the best choices I could at the time, partially encouraged by the extreme desire to just get it all over with. Get off my couch… take your dirty laundry, get out of my house… yes MY house, the one that will one day bring me a good return on the investment that I made in you, and us.
I watched you move into the house of your dreams with your new family. Your house sold quickly, of course.
It hurts so much that when this house finally sells, I will walk away with little more than the real estate agent will. I will build again. I have plans. I feel so old some days. I need to get out of this mind set. I see people so much older than I am making big plans. I need to forgive myself my age, and view it as experience to be honored. I have learned to be so hard on myself. Experience does that.
I don’t believe in Resolutions. I have never been very good at making those plans and sticking to them. When I abandon them, I feel like a failure, so I just don’t make them. I did decide, however, to make a promise to myself based on something that I read recently. The section of the article that bugged suggested that single mothers take their kids to the doctor, but ignore their own needs… maybe because of cost or time or maybe both.
I have thought about this over and over. For me, there is a tenuous connection to my relationship with my soon to be daughter in law, and most of the other items on my 2016 complaint list. 2016 beat me up. Maybe I LET it beat me up. Maybe I need to find my spunk again. House not selling, money tight? Work on those income generating ideas that buzz around from day to day. Daughter in law bugging me? It might be time to speak up, in a spunky manner. If I want to have her respect, I certainly won’t have it if I let her take charge of every situation…. same goes for my son… I have earned better than I am being given from him.
So, find that spunk… 2017, here I come. No resolutions, just time to toughen up a bit. Good Bye 2016. 2017, I am coming for you. It is the re-invention of me with an extra dose of spunk. 2016 can just kiss my ass.