Curious, aren’t you?
After spending two marriages buying my own gifts, this year is different. I used to make the purchase, then give to my mom and tell her to tell that kids that she took care of it for them…. They thought I never knew. Their proud little faces were worth the deception. Not having a father around to take care of this important task has hurt me greatly. I have shed my share of tears over this. Watching my kids whisper together, thinking I did not know that they were secretly trying to make the day special for me, knowing that they had no money, and no way to get to a store. Sadly, they knew they could not ask their father for help, and of course, he never offered.
My kids are old enough to know that I love them, that that love is a year round kind of thing… kind of like being a religious or spiritual person. The gifts that I truly want are not tangible. Be good and kind, and you won’t need confession. ( Sorry BFF, my Catholic best friend. ) I am not religious, but I am spiritual. My ex husband who is religious, gets up in my grill when I do not exactly do what he thinks I need to do with regards to religious education. I know… I know… they are his kids too. But when you are a bastard, you are a bastard. No amount of confession is going to be enough for me. The connection? The connection is what I have preached ( you see what I did there 😉 to my kids… be a good soul… make me proud. Be kind, be a good kid…. love me all year… be honest and I don’t need a gift on Mother’s Day. On that day, I want to be proud of MY accomplishments of being a parent all year long. You, my children are my clay. If I am proud of what I have sculpted, all is good. Well, I am so proud.
This year, I have decided, that Mother’s Day, is my NEW New Year’s Day. It is the day that I begin to truly hold myself accountable to all the promises that I make to myself that fall by the wayside because life it too complicated or busy. In order to be the best Mom I can be, I need to hold myself accountable to taking better care of me, Virginia.
I have briefly written about my health issues in the past, so my health is a trigger for me. It is that calendar alert that pops up, and I shut down in anger. I have no time… my calendar is too busy.
Back to the gift to me. My brain is on rapid fire today… I hope this all makes sense, because it is all really emotional for me. This year is my year to relieve them of the obligation to purchase a gift… and my year to give one to myself. The gift I give to myself this year is health. While I cannot do anything about my auto-immune issues, or my having had thyroid cancer, I can do better for myself, so that my health issues are not made worse by not eating properly or not exercising or not sleeping enough.
So, to that end, I spent the last few weeks, thinking about ways in crease exercise in my life, yet not increase the pain in my ever so painful joints. So, here she is… I named her Lucy. I also started wearing my Fitbit so I can compare measurable progress. I have placed a reminder on my calendar to revisit this topic here to hold me accountable. My favorite word. Accountability.
So, I had a 30 minute date a while ago… I closed my eyes… back and forth… imagining water… the sound of the fan somehow peaceful, and thankfully not driving the dogs nuts as they slept around me. Back and forth… Just me and Adele and Marvin Gaye… a little Justin Timberlake… Yeah… I’m bringing Sexy Back…
And, NO, kids, I would not say no to some help around the house, and a nice dinner!