He didn’t want me to be surprised. He wanted help explaining to his father who really doesn’t approve of the relationship, in spite of the fact that he has been financially supporting it because it is the “easy, non-confrontational way out”.
Wait, what? You just left your stuffed Ernie doll at home last summer.
He took her father out to dinner to ask his permission.
A very nice, traditional move which seems counter to the fact that they have been living together for years. Not that I am against that, or the relationship, I just don’t know what to think. He is only 21. TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. Shouldn’t you be able to pay your own way before you take on the responsibility of a wife? He loves her; I know he does, but is that enough?
Am I being old fashioned? Is a wife a responsibility? Are the children that follow most of the time a responsibility? Am I confusing my own failed experiences with their bright new beginning? I was “ok” with the idea of them living together; because I thought it was the best way to make the right decision.
I declined the offer to help him tell his father. If you are grown up enough to get married, surely you can sit your own father down to tell him your plans.
Am I right? Could I help soften the blow? Yes, I probably could. But I am not sure that I should do what I know I can do. I have been in their corner. I remain there, but I also fear the 50% possibility that GF will be me in a decade or so…. with a few children, and a father who has found a younger, thinner, newer model.
Am I stuck in my own head?
How could I think my own son would do that?? I truly am ashamed at the thoughts I am having, but to be completely honest, if someone had told me that the young man who held my hand as my father died would be the same man who cheated on me almost 20 years later.
My son once said to me that he wants to treat her the way I ( meaning me) have never been treated. He claims to have learned from the worst of what he has seen. He wants to do it right. He claims to know the right way to behave. I have always had faith in him because I know that in my years alone raising the children, I taught him values. I have taught them to be honorable.
So now comes the test. Life is the test. I love him, so I will love her. She has shown me no reason to do otherwise. I will be the best mother I can be.
Am I jealous of their youth? Am I sad that I will never have the chance to recreate what they have. Indeed I am. Wishing I had the ability to go back in time to apply the lessons I have learned is not possible but what I can do is stand by them and offer them all the love and support that they are going to need. My own life hasn’t been easy and while I loved my own parents, I vowed that there would be certain things I would do quite differently, including the not so silent judgement that went along with every decision I ever made.
I look back now on all the things in my life I would do differently if I had a do-over; most of them are things I might have done differently had I trusted my own decisions.
Now, I have to trust that he knows his own mind because this is one of the decisions I made a long time ago. Allow your children to grow. Allowing them to grow, however doesn’t mean doing so silently.
I have expressed my concerns about their age, and I have refused to break the news to his father. Man-up, I told him; it is your very first test that will come along with the marriage.
Pass that one, and you may move on to the next round.