My eldest child told me it was time to meet someone.
He was concerned that I have spent a great deal of time spent lately filled with concern and sadness about the changing times in my home. So many people have come and gone. Two marriages failed in this house…. my mother passed away…. my oldest son moved away to go to school, and in the next few weeks, it is time for my next child to move out.
Emptiness fills the house as the table empties.
While I appreciated his concern for my well-being, I have been unable to express why it just felt so wrong.
Telling someone that it’s “time to meet someone” just doesn’t feel right; I feels like an order of some prescribed medicine. I know of no other way to describe it.
The first time I married, I thought I was marrying for love. Sadly, it did’t work out. The second time, I married for all the wrong reasons. I married to secure my safety. Although I did not admit it to myself at the time, I guess I thought that having a man around the house somehow made my future more secure that it might be without a man.
The second marriage, which ended in violence, should never have happened. When I texted BFF on my honeymoon, I felt wrapped in dread, and overcome with how I let fear, momentum and lack of faith in myself take over my life.
Relief was one of the many emotions that filled me when it ended. BFF blamed herself for not being open with me about her feelings. She knew that marriage should not happen. I had no time to attend to her guilt, and was kind of annoyed that she wasn’t honest with me though I knew it’s unlikely I would have listened anyway.
Lots of time, and many lessons learned… I tried to explain to my son that certain things just can’t be put on the schedule. I made that mistake once, and I would never make it again.
It isn’t a matter of not wanting to meet someone; it was simply a matter of having learned my lesson. Having forced myself into believing that the second marriage would work, I went along with it. I lived for a time feeling not at home, in my own home. I was happy when it ended.
The idea of re-joing dating sites came up again, as I cried to myself after another weekend of “not selling my house”. I don’t want to die here alone, I said to myself. I don’t want to be alone, but being alone has to be better than feeling like a stranger in my own home. Alone is better than a wrong relationship. But alone sucks.
Relationships cannot be forced, or shopped for like a great pair of shoes. Alone really sucks, but I choose it actively this time. I will never, ever make that same mistake again.
I may never meet someone who will make me happy, but I am ok with that because I now trust the fact that I will be OK on my own. I can take care of myself, and I don’t need someone else to do all those things that made me rush into a bad relationship last time.
My kids are a little concerned, but that will pass as they move on with their own lives. I have come to the decision that unless something happens organically, it just isn’t meant to be. I just need to be a little better at hiding my tears. I now have some of that privacy I have wanted all these years.