Yesterday, I left work early so that I could watch my daughter dance.
I ended up watching until they closed the door to block the noise from the parents.
I ended up sitting with the other moms, discussing one mom’s nervous state which was brought on by her husband’s 4 day business trip. Four days, three nights, leaving her alone. My initial thoughts, which thankfully, I did not share, were that she could enjoy her quiet time, or maybe some time with friends.
Instead, it ended up as a full on round robin of the women in the group discussing their fears about being left alone if their husbands need to leave for business or whatever. Leave the lights on, turn the lights off. Do we jump out of our skin in fear if the dog barks, and there is NO MAN to check the house for intruders?
Initially, I laughed to myself. I ended up biting my tongue to prevent the tears from pouring out of my eyes. With the divorce rate near 51%, was I really the only one in the room who was alone? Apparently yes.
I have honestly not had such an experience since I first filed for divorce over a decade ago. I have found that I can either shut myself off from the the feelings of others, or simply remove myself from the unwanted event. This was a dance school. Most mothers drop off and leave. Yesterday, the door to the studio was closed, and the moms remained. It was one of the social situations that I avoided whenever I could. I was the master of managing who I spoke to, and about what. I do not like that I was put in a position that I could not foresee, because apparently, after so many years alone, I am still one comment away from tears.
It still hurts to be alone, and the older I get, and the older my children get, the more closed off that future feels. I have developed these visions of what my future looks like. Actual images in my head.
As I have mentioned in passing, I have some auto-immune health issues. My recent set of blood-work suggested the need for more testing. My head was spinning. Being sick and alone was not the vision that I had for myself. I know that I am putting the cart before the horse. I have auto immune disease. Funky blood work is a part of my life, and it has been for twenty years. But at this particular time, my perspective is distorted, and I want to find a way to see more clearly, but I do not know how.
Writing this helps. It really does because I am able to speak honestly. I am able to look at myself as an objective outsider, and just write.
So, as the objective outsider, I know I need to make some sort of change, somewhere, I just don’t know where.
I also need to let myself cry sometimes, just not in a crowded room.
I need to remember that I am allowed to be selfish sometimes, and avoid situations that upset me. I am under no obligation to explain my feelings. Almost twenty-four hours later, I ask myself, why didn’t I just excuse myself to go buy a diet pepsi?
Two steps forward, and three back, this is how I am feeling today. Somehow, even after all these years, I am unable to evolve from the divorced person, to the single person. My world has forever changed, and I cannot seem to find a new normal that makes me happy.
Alone sucks. Alone, with shoulders full of responsibility is overwhelming. My takeaway for this rambling conversation with myself is one of my favorite words – Accountability. How do I hold myself accountable to make the changes that clearly need to be made here?
To Be Continued…