So, if you already don’t like me, why do I care what you think? Honestly, I don’t know.
It has been years since parts of me have seen the light of the sun. I am reasonably attractive. I can get dates when I put myself out there. But I hide within the depths of my air conditioning and clothing that covers.
I live by the Ocean, but never see the beautiful sight that clears my soul more than any religious experience could. The sight of the crashing waves are cleansing, yet I deprive myself of the opportunity to see the beauty and more importantly feel the effects of the Ocean.
Why do I do this to myself?
I fear your reaction to my less than perfect body? Yes. I said it.
What have you done for me lately? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, yet I fear your opinion. Why have I given you that power over me? The days of my life are dripping by. It no longer feels like the slow drip of a leak; it feels like the steady flow of a faucet.
Images of ongoing trains moving at roaring speeds are part of my dreams. What would Freud say? Sex? Probably… the image of the train entering the tunnel is classic dream symbolism, but I don’t think so. I wake in terror sweats after those dreams thinking about my time roaring past me.
With envy, I watch people who embrace the world and LIVE their lives, wondering what I can learn from their self-esteem. Is it my fault? Is it my “nature” or is it the classic Nature vs Nurture? Is there something I can learn here to teach my daughter about self-acceptance? Emotionally battered in both marriages, not particularly taught self-love when growing up, it is a daily struggle in my head to overcome my negative thoughts about myself.
BFF has told me for years that I have to love myself first before I can be a part of a successful relationship. But what if I can’t love myself? What if the root cause does not matter because I cannot overcome the problem?
I don’t want to live with regret. I don’t want to live by my own excuses.
Son’s GF embraces herself as she is. She is not a tiny girl. She wears what she wants and convinces those around her of her beauty and her worthiness of your love. I love myself, therefore I am worthy of your love.
People see what you want them to see; this is the basis of magic and even advertising. Time and time again, I have been told to smile more. It’s hard. I have a history of being hurt when I “put myself out there”. So, I smile less. I accept less. I demand less. I cry more. Have I made myself a product that is no longer worthy of purchase?
What do I do?? I want to live differently. I desperately want to be happy, but I am tied to my life as it is. I am living the life I created with someone else, yet I am living it alone.
This wasn’t the plan. Does anyone truly get to plan their lives? Maybe not, but watching life from the sidelines has caused me to think a great deal about this. Are the truly happy people the ones who fight momentum, rather than flow with it? I have lived my life in fear of putting up a fight. Maybe it’s time to learn. What can I do today to create change?
So, I will apply my self-tanner.
I will put on my shorts. I will buy a bathing suit, and perform the cleansing ritual of throwing the old ones away. Why do I still own the bikinis from my honeymoon? They no longer fit. They will never fit again. Three children and 24 years have passed. They don’t fit, and neither did my husband. It’s OK. It has to be OK. In this, I have no choice. Today, I will clean out that drawer and make room for new.
From today on, I refuse to take part in allowing other people who are not a part of my life to make me feel badly about me, or my life. I will not be a party to my pain.
I will continue to dream of palm trees in the daylight, so the rest of my life doesn’t race by me like the trains in my dreams.