Divorce is a chaotic time. It is also an expensive time. So, seeking to cut out some of the expenses, I suggested that we seek out the work of a mediator. We were already fifty thousand into the attorney bills, and although I won the motion to have him pay for my lawyer bills, a waste of money, is simply that, a waste of money. I was hoping to save some of those resources to have and share with my kids.
Unfortunately, life does not always work out the way we plan.
My share of the assets was to be my house, which was once our house, would be my share of the assets, along with a little bit of cash. The house was steadily increasing in value until it wasn’t.
All across the country, real estate values tumbled, and along with that, dissolved my hopes to retire comfortably.
Finally at my limit, and tired of hearing from my X that he has no control over the real estate market, and that I should have sold when the market was at its peak, and more blah blah blah, I sought out the advice of an attorney.
Once again, the fear that filled me when I initially filed for divorce, overtook my days, and sadly, my nights.
Fairness. I want Fairness. Is it fair, that after all I have done as a mother, and as a wife to help build his business and raise our children, that I have nothing financial to show for my efforts, as he lives in increasing wealth? Is it fair that he has had the opportunity to move on with his life, but I will be moving backwards towards a single mom state of poverty?
So, based on research, I made an appointment with an attorney to revisit my settlement. I rescheduled 3 times, in an attempt to deal with the emotions of making and keeping that appointment. Learning that I am no closer to managing the fear that I have of my first husband, I struggled. Fear of his response almost scared me as much as the long term thought of living in financial struggle for the rest of my life.
How can that be?
Ten years out, and I am still fearful. I fear this man who fathered my children. My moments of bravery through the years, evaporated into tears.
Lawyer’s advice? Back to Court to seek and Upward Modification of the Child Support Based on Change in Circumstances and an Unforeseen Set of Events.( i.e. the decrease in the value of the property which greatly devalued my agreement) Her opinion was that I had a great chance of success. Flooded with relief and fear, I left her office to think. She gave her her card, and a plan for follow up, if I chose to do so.
One box of tissues later, I had two hours to un-redden my eyes before my kids arrived home.
So, will my fear prevent me from moving forward, or will her exorbitant retainer fee add to the unlikelihood of filing that motion? I don’t know. Just hearing that my thought of Justice and Fairness are reasonable, in terms of the law, made me feel validated. But what is missing is energy. I don’t know that I have the energy or the resolve to move forward. Life, health and the drain of being a single mom has sapped my energy reserves.
I know what I need to do, but lack the fortitude. It’s like planning to cook dinner and finding the cabinets empty when you start.
Once again, I need to dig deep in order to find the strength necessary.
As I have written before, I cannot let my life be ruled by fear, and I can no longer allow myself not devalue my own life, in order to live for others. I love my kids, but I matter too.
Onward, and upward we go… and I live in hope that I can find the strength to care for my own needs as I have cared for the needs of others for so many years.
I Must Matter Too.