Divorce is a difficult, sometimes crippling event. You marry someone with the sincere belief that you have found the love of a lifetime; a marriage that will persevere. Then it all falls apart.
Now, you have been single for years and frustration has struck again. You’ve been on the dating scene for what seems to be forever and something just isn’t clicking. But what’s the issue?Here are 4 things that are likely keeping you from finding love again.
Guilty by Association: You are over your selfish, narcissistic ex but the damage they did to you makes everyone else you meet guilty by association. There is no ill intent on your part but you simply cannot separate the new people you meet from your ex. This prevents you from allowing yourself to get close to them or they will feel the judgment and want no part of it.
Here are a couple comments that come to mind that really drive this issue home:
“I know you were cheated on by your ex but I am not your ex and I do not deserve to be binned in with them.”
“Look, you seem really nice but this anger you have with your ex is obvious. I feel like I’m getting the brunt of it.”
Hanging onto Your Ex You are not over your ex yet. The ink may be dry on the divorce papers and several months may have passed but you still love them. Try as you may to put yourself back out there, the fact is that until you have processed the divorce and gotten your ex out of your heart, love with someone new will continue to elude you. This is because people you meet will not measure up to your ex. You will find yourself pushing them away for this reason or they will feel the comparisons and walk away.
Lack of Faith This is similar to the ‘Guilty by Association’ reason we talked about earlier except in this case, you won’t even put yourself out there. Your ex had so many negative qualities and did such a number on you, you’ve lost faith that there are any good people out there.
You Don’t Know What You Need You are over your ex and meeting a new love is at the top of your list. You have signed up for online dating sites, put yourself out there socially, and have met a lot of good people. And yet, something just doesn’t click. You are frustrated because people seem like good fits but eventually an incompatibility arises. ‘What the duck?’, you think? The issue here is that you do not know what you need. Needs are the non-negotiable physical, personality, and lifestyle traits that you must have in a partner and a relationship in order for you to be in a happy relationship.
It is way too common for us to get out of a marriage and immerse ourselves into the dating world without fully understanding who we are and what we need. A lot of people grow and evolve while they are married. They come out on the other end as a new person. That requires a lot of self-awareness and a real investigation into what we absolutely need. Otherwise, we are dating in the dark only to be disappointed time and time again.
Find your compass.
Find your needs.
Love by your needs.
My friends, do not put yourself back out there unless you are ready. Being ready means truly moving past your ex and the pains from your divorce. It also means having confidence in yourself and faith in others. Lastly, you are not going to be ready if you do not know what you need.