“I’ll be back” – Arnold Schwarzenegger in the ‘Terminator’ series
“You complete me” – Tom Cruise in ‘Jerry Maguire’
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” – Clark Cable in ‘Gone With the Wind’
“Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats” – Carrie Underwood in ‘Before He Cheats’
These are all classic lines from various pop culture references. They’ve been cited, quoted, and repeated time and time again. Unfortunately, so has the line, “I’ll give you one more chance” as said to a cheating husband from a wounded wife. But why? More on this later.
In case you have the slightest bit of interest, I don’t mind sharing with you that this is the 700th article I have written as a relationship coach. I would be remiss in noting that it’s also been one of the easiest. The words cheating and leaving go easy like warm butter on toast. This is my view and I do not pretend that others see it the same. I wish they did. I also wish that I could make $1,000,000 an article so I could rub shoulders with the right side of the sand on my own private beach. Now where was I? Oh yeah, cheating and leaving.
Let’s walk through the 6 reasons that a wife should ALWAYS leave a cheating husband.
Reason 1:
You teach people how to treat you. When I hear Carrie Underwood sing “maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats”, it strikes me as true only if she leaves him after the cheating. If you know the song, there are lines like “carved my name into his leather seats” and “I slashed a hole in all four tires”, implying of course, that she did a number on his car. It is for these reasons that he’ll think next time before he cheats? Uh, a bit of flawed logic I’ll say. First of all, if there is a next time with her, she taught him nothing except that he should conceal the cheating a little better going forward. Second, if the next time is with someone else, he will not draw the conclusion that all women would have the same reaction. Want proof? How many men are repeat cheaters regardless of the vengeful response from the scorned? Exactly!
Reason 2:
Your confidence will dwindle or remain stagnant. Being cheated on is devastating, there are no ifs, ands, or buts, about it. The impact on ones confidence, however, can have the longest, most harmful, effects. When you are cheated on, it is natural, though not warranted, to feel inadequate. Staying with a cheater continues this feeling since they already decided to fill a void that you, purportedly could not fill and you will continually wonder if and when it will happen again. What’s more, you will find yourself wanting to be the person that could fill their void and that will drive you crazy. The truth is, there may not have been a rational void and, even if there was one, simple communication could have prevented the infidelity. Lastly, a statistic and a comment:
Statistic: 91% of women who have been cheated on by their husband, noted a void that he had.
Comment: In other words, these 91% of infidelity victims saw a void in their husband but decided to remain faithful and try to work things out.
Staying in a situation that has you questioning your confidence with a husband that questioned your legitimacy as a physical, intellectual and/or emotional partner will do nothing to improve it.
Reason 3:
You have needs and they are not being met. And no, I will not bother to ask you what your needs are since I already know that they include honesty, faithfulness, and integrity. Normally when I talk to a client and they cite these very basic needs, I tell them to go deeper. This is because clients, especially women, often struggle with identifying the ‘not so obvious’ needs such as ambition or mindfulness of personal well-being. In the cheating and leaving space, however, let’s keep it simple. When someone cheats on you, they are not even meeting the basic needs of honesty and faithfulness. You don’t stay with someone that does not meet your basic needs. Remember, needs are different than wants. Needs are non-negotiable whereas wants are negotiable. Capeesh?
Reason 4:
The sex will never be the same. This becomes fairly obvious to wives who stay with cheating spouses and yet they stay anyways. Why? You need look no further than Reason 2 above. If you are cheated on, you will feel inadequate and you may stay with the person who cheated because you figure that this is as good as it gets for you. Then you continue to have sex with the person that killed your confidence and while it is not enjoyable because, shit, they cheated on you, you keep doing it. Why? Because this is as good as it gets from your perspective. This was a mouthful to write, hopefully it comes across clear to you. If not, let me add a stripped down sentence. You deserve good sex and you will never get the full PIE when you’re with someone that went somewhere else for a piece of it.
(Note: PIE refers to the physical, intellectual, and emotional intimacy that we all deserve! And that you need. See Reason 3.)
Reason 5:
There are 96 million single people in America and the number of singles now outweigh the number of married people. And yes, I am talking about singles over 18, silly!
Reason 6:
You rock, paper, and scissors! People who rock are doing themselves a disservice when they stay married to people who roll in the sack with someone else.
To put a bow around this, let’s re-write some quotes:
1) Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn if you want another chance
2) I WON’T Be Back!
3) You complete-ly blew it
4) Maybe next time you’ll think before you cheat on someone else
FAQs about Cheating:
Will he cheat again if I forgive him?
Chances are he will cheat again if you forgive him. By forgiving a cheater, you are teaching him to be more secretive with his affairs. Besides, if he were to cheat someone else, he would not assume he could be thrown out based on his previous experience.
How will I suffer if my husband cheats?
Your confidence will shatter if your husband cheats you. You may not be able to regain your confidence for a very long time because of the impact of the betrayal. Beware of feeling inadequate if you continue to live with the cheater.
Will sex be different with a cheating husband?
Sex can never be the same with a cheating husband because of absence of trust in your relationship. You feel inadequate and struggle to find confidence you once enjoyed in your marriage. If you continue to stay with the cheater, you begin to believe you are worthy of only as much.
Why do I feel my needs remain unmet after betrayal?
You feel your needs are not being met because of the betrayal, which has left a great void in your marriage. Frustration, pain and anger replaces the confidence you once felt before finding out that your husband had been unfaithful. Gone is the integrity and honesty you once felt in him. By continuing to stay with your cheating husband, you will find feelings of unfulfillment growing unabated.
Nancy says
if only it were this easy. I wanted to leave but I had. O where to go.
Chris says
Nancy, I absolutely agree that it is hard. But it is also necessary. Some would note that staying put is the same as having nowhere to go.
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Mia says
Absolutely. It’s all about them. You did nothing to cause them to cheat and you can do nothing about them doing it again and again.
Chris Armstrong says
Well said!
Jane says
I should have left him after he cheated years ago. But we had 3 small children at home and I didn’t think I could financially make it on my own. Like an idiot, I stayed with him and he took that as my unspoken approval to keep doing what he’d been doing. Staying with him is still my one big regret in life. But we’re divorced now… I’m doing great, but karma is finally circling back to hit him hard. Poor baby!
Chris says
I’m so glad to hear you walked!!!!!!!!! Just saying.
Tamara says
What do you call it when people isolate you because they feel like you want the space? They’re trying to be mindful. What’s that called?
Mertie says
i think you’ll approve of the way “she” handles things if you listen all the way through Carrie’s song—
“I might have saved a little trouble for the next girl
‘Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won’t be on me!
No, not on me”
Smith Lawerence says
Good to hear that you finally took the step. It was not worth continuing to live with a person who has cheated on you for a long time. It’s true and really hard to imagine living without someone whom you had given your life and becomes very difficult leave your life partner. It is not unusual to forgive and give your partner another chance, but in many cases their unfaithful actions repeat themselves. So, the step you had taken is appropriate, no matter how difficult. Goob job! I wish you luck for your future.
Sara says
Well. I do not agree that no cheater ever deserves a second chance. IMO, you need to look at the relationship as a whole and the treatment after being caught cheating.
My husband, now, is a much better than he was before he cheated. He is more attentive, helps with housework, eats leftovers, hires housekeepers, etc. If I let him go now he would only be a better husband to a new wife. And, personally, I like the way he is now better than before.
He learned his lesson, the hard way. I do think some men are serial cheaters, but others are just caught up in circumstance.
Quite honestly, there were issues in the marriage that he tried to discuss. but i simply laughed off. I think it takes guts to admit that you played role in the breakdown of the marriage. It takes guts to stick it out an try to work it out.
It’s so much easier to simply quit.
Jackie says
First of all there is no excuse for cheating. You should accept zero blame. What really hit me with your post is that this is exactly what I experienced. I discovered that he was cheating (again) and after he apologized, implored that I was all he needed he became the most wonderful husband! Thoughtful, fun, affectionate. I truly felt loved and sex better than ever. 4 years later, guess what? He never stopped cheating. Never. It’s hard to leave for many reasons especially when he is the one with the flexible job which allows him to get my son on and off bus. He’s the scumbag and I’m the one who will be out in the cold. He doesn’t know that I know. I’m living this lie while looking for a solution. I am learning that it will take much more courage to leave than to stay. It’s been over a year since I found out. I agree with all 6 reasons. I am living them, but here I am. A coward. A scared dog. Less respect for me than him.
I am looking for a job to allow me a more flexible schedule but have not been successfully yet.
Shann says
It is NOT EASY to quit! At this point it would be easier to just accept my husband cheating and move forward like he wants. LEAVING requires so much more, to me. Involves legal action, selling the home, parting ways means dividing family, etc. let’s not mention the uncertainty of YOUR future. Yes I agree I made my husband into the man he is however don’t I deserve a fair shot with someone? A clean slate in a sense?
Kath says
Sara quitting as you put it is never the easy option. If you and your husband are happy that is great but most cheating spouses cheat again both sexually , intellectually and financially. It is refreshing to read an article that spells out why it is OK to leave a cheater.
Sarah says
In Chinese cultural, encouraging people to divorce will see karma come back to get you. Good luck.
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TeeJo says
Over three years ago I found out he cheated on me for most of our marriage, and I stayed. MISTAKE! He made promises to change and be transparent, but he didn’t. Don’t know if he is cheating again, probably is, but he is still lying, so what’s to trust? I now see the damage it has caused my self-esteem and self worth by staying. As I write this, I have left him. Starting “7-weeks to self love” today. I want to heal!!!
Evita says
I don’t know why I stay with a serial cheater. I have a 15 year son in school and it makes it harder to leave and change schools. If I was alone, it would be much easier. I can’t trust, I see the women in my mind always, he’s not transparent,he gets annoyed when I ask questions, I look at him with pain and anger! I’m prideful cuz I don’t want to leave him to her.
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Tiffany Nicholas says
My friends husband is a cheating liar and treats my friend poorly she wont leave him and I dont know why. People in the community see how he is. They dont like him and wish he would move away. How can I help her without upsetting her. I am going to put her email in so you people can help her get away from him. He is a port addicted pervert womanizer and a cheat. But she cant seem to see what he is doing to her.
DivorcedMoms Editor says
Maybe she loves him in spite of his bad behavior. Maybe she is hoping he will change. She will be with him until she gets enough and makes the decision to leave. As much as you care and are concerned, it’s her marriage and her decision. If you want to be a true friend to her, don’t meddle in her marriage but do be there to support her because one day she is going to have to let go of him.
Jessica says
My husband and I have been together for 12 years now. We have gone through more than most would. In the beginning I found out he was cheating with multiple people, but I stayed with him. Not being able to heal and having to hide my hurt, I cheated on him. Ugh, that was the worst decision I have ever made. I didn’t feel revengeful at all. It felt horrendous at what I had done. He suspected for years and finally 7 years later, I came clean because I couldn’t take it anymore. The moment I confessed he instantly told me he still wanted to be with me. The next 3 years were a lot of ups and downs, well really all the 12 years has been. I started to see a counselor 3 years later because I wanted to better myself and hopefully he would join me and see one. I always begged him to see a counselor with me and he never wanted to. A few months ago, he thought he had a UTI and went to get checked and tested positive for Chlamydia. He denied it to the fullest, but I had talked to multiple doctors and sexual contact is the only way to get it. He confessed, I feel only because I was about to pack my stuff and leave. Now, he has agreed to counseling, but I am not sure what I want to do anymore. I cannot leave because of finances, the kids, and fear of making the wrong decision.
Denise M. Wolever says
Thank you so much for telling the truth about CHEATERS. Get away from a cheater. Quitting is NOT easier. Getting divorced was the most emotionally painful thing I have ever done. I had 3 young girls. I am their role model. I did counseling for years, read 100s of books. I learned he was a narcissist and would never change and my marriage was doomed from the beginning. I divorced to save my kids from a life of misery. They learned a valuable lesson: that we should never let others treat us with disrespect and cruelty. Today, all 3 are grown up with 5 college degrees and they are happy and healthy and have chosen wonderful partners. Divorce due to adultery is not a sin. Jesus talked about it. If the adulterer gets professional help and fixes what is wrong with him, you can always remarry. My ex blamed me and would not take full responsibility. Even his whole family blamed me for his adulterous behavior-because they are all mentally ill and adulterers too I figured out. I got rid of an entire emotionally sick family to keep my children safe from their evilness. I did not divorce immediately and it cost me my mental health and sanity. I tried for 5 years to make it work (with marriage counseling) since my youngest was a newborn during the whole ordeal. She is very thankful to me that I waited. She has 5 years of good memories of a mom and dad. But it was utter hell and devastation for me. She has no idea that I contemplated suicide for those 5 years. My ex still tells the children the divorce is all my fault. They know the truth-so it does not matter what he says. I think you are absolutely correct—file for divorce and get as far away as you can. If they want the marriage, they will move heaven and earth to do what it takes to get the marriage back. If they choose not to , then there’s your answer. They never did love you. Why would you want to be married to that? I am really sick of ALLLLL these websites saying you can fix your marriage and you should try-try-try. BARF. I did try for 5 years–absolute HELL. Some people are just horrible human beings and not able to have a faithful, respectful marriage. It was a bitter pill to swallow–that I married a cruel, selfish person. I will be damned if my kids will make the same mistake I did. I read where if we do not FIX the problems in our marriage, then our children grow up and repeat the same mistakes. I I have had 20 years of calm, peaceful, joyful living–by myself. I am working on being the best person I can be with God’s help. God wants us to have a good life. Living with a lying, cheating, selfish adulterer is NOT a good life. It’s absolutely HORRIBLE. Go to counseling–for you. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. Their lives are depending on your courage to be strong. Godspeed to everyone that is suffering from the pain caused by adultery. Remember–Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a choice. Get professional help. Your family and friends are not qualified professionals. They can make things worse actually. Did you know that adultery is SEXUAL ABUSE???? They teach us to leave PHYSICALLY abusive partners–but want us to STAY and work it out with sexual, mental and emotionally abusive people? WTH????
Julia says
any tips on catching my husband in the act so i can divorce him ?
DivorcedMoms Staff says
You can divorce your husband whether he is cheating on you or not. You don’t have to catch him “in the act” of anything. If you want a divorce, file for divorce and get one.
julia says
thanks for the feedback very helpful
Michelle says
For those that say it’s too hard to leave your cheater, let me tell you from experience that sleeping in my own bed alone is FAR more peaceful than sleeping next to my ex spouse who was lying, cheating and living a double life for years! I don’t lay in bed and cry at not punishing myself for asking myself what was wrong with me and why I wasn’t a good wife? You can’t put a price tag on having peace in your life! Once a cheater will always be a cheater! When they no longer find their partner attractive, they simply move on to the next person…they don’t care who they hurt!
Jill T says
My husband cheated and has been on/off for years. I can’t even stand the sight of him anymore, let alone try to live with him. I’m working on a plan to better mine and my sons life. Once a cheater, always a cheater!
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Julia says
My husband is having an affair and he is denying it. I and i am in denial about it. I don’t want to believe it. I want a divorce.
Denise M. Wolever says
Please–go to counseling. Take care of yourself. He is abusing you-sexually, mentally, emotionally. Would you stay with him and do nothing if he were punching you in the face and beating you up repeatedly? Of course not. Adultery is ABUSE. He is a mentally/emotionally sick person. Get away from him now. Having zero contact has been wonderful for me. They only LIE anyway. Why listen to that? AND—I felt RAPED for years due to the adultery. What person would want to look at or live with their rapist??? I know it’s so scary to leave. My self esteem was so low that I did not have the courage to divorce my rotten spouse so that I would have a better life, but I did find the courage to divorce because I wanted a better life for my kids. And it worked. My kids and I now have happy, safe, peaceful lives. I also joined Alanon, and that program is amazing. Adultery is sexual addiction. Alanon is for families of people that are addicted to anything, alcohol, drugs, whatever. I learned many healthy ways of thinking from the Alanon program. Godspeed Julia. You have one life on this earth. Give yourself a good life.
Mitzie Scott says
I just found out that my husband has been having an affair for three years I’m heartbroken.
grumpycarnez says
I played detective for 3 years after my discovery. In those 3 years it was nothing but lies and self preservation for him while I begged for the truth because you cannot rebuild on lies. In those 3 years I discovered 7 additional partners and 3.5 additional years of cheating. I discovered that he had spent $100K on 3 long term affairs he had. I wish I had walked away with discovery #1. But my need to know the truth kept me there. My trust in him that he was being truthful kept me there. Then the discovery of how far in debt he put us kept me trapped. I had no money and no family to go to. Now that I am better financially how do I justify leaving? It has been 4.5 years since my first discovery. I don’t feel anything for him. I have not said I love you in almost 4 years. But all I want is for him to walk away. I would not mind a bit!!
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Jon says
Oh my god… get over yourselves. You’re not perfect either. I screwed up and cheated. I absolutely despised myself for even being around the situation. But it happened. I shut that person out almost immediately. I say “almost” because she had stage 3 breast cancer. My wife found out and I could not be more thankful. She stayed and we’ve worked our asses off. And guess what ? She’s not perfect either, but I still love her as much as last week but not as much as tomorrow. Don’t drop everyone into a category just because of one incident. Just because you spanked your 3 year old doesn’t mean you should be arrested for child endangerment. Grow a pair and learn how to let go. It is easier to forgive our enemies than the ones we love most.
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Nancy says
You’re a relationship coach? Then I guess I’m the Queen of the Galaxy if I so decide. Pretty narrow black and white thinking there in your advice. Your advice could apply to some, but not all. An affair in certain couples can lead to a deeper understanding of each person in the marriage if they choose to work through the fallout. In some cases it should be a deal breaker and in some cases not. I suggest you watch some Ester Perel videos on YouTube or go to her website.
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