My ex is fond of sending e-mails in which he lists my many character flaws and transgressions, then threatens to sue me, or tell me that I owe him $500 for the kids’ medical expenses, or simply remind me that one day “the proof will be in the pudding” — I’ve never figured out exactly what that means — and all the world will see what a terrible mother and wretched human being I am. As any divorced person with a wounded, hostile ex who never gets the fuck over it will tell you, being the recipient of these cyber assaults will send your blood pressure soaring and your gag reflex reflexing.
Anyway, earlier this week I received three OFW notifications from my ex. Immediately I got all wheezy and my heart practically stopped beating and I broke into a clammy sweat. Sometimes, when I cannot get command of my gag reflex, I text my friend Miranda and ask her to read my e-mails for me, then give me the Reader’s Digest version.
Other times, I reach directly for my drugs of choice: red wine…
…and, now that Girl Scout season is upon us, Thin Mints and Samoas. Or anything that the Girl Scouts are peddling.
When my cyber-induced PTSD gets really ugly, I reach for the Klonopin stashed in my lingerie drawer.
A few days ago I posted a Facebook status update about my Thin Mint/Pinor Noir binge. A number of other traumatized divorcees shared the cocktails they consume when their ex’s e-mails arrive in their inbox. So based on my quantitative research study of seven control subjects, I have learned that benzos/liquor/carbs is the preferred combination plate.
Below are my findings:
C from Tennessee takes Xanax and calls her pastor to pray for her.
I from Connecticut polishes off everything in her fridge and takes Valium
L from New York handles her husband’s ex-wife’s e-mails. She states this job “requires pharmaceutical enhancement, deep breaths, and donuts.”
E from New York takes Lorazepam
MG from Maryland ingests 1 Coors Light, 2 shots of Fireball, and half a bag of Dove dark chocolate hearts.
R from California relies on the following: 1 family size bag of Pirate Booty, 1 Trader Joe’s pink bag of kettle corn, Tim’s Cascade salt and vinegar chips, and if all else fails, handfuls of peanut M&Ms.
K from Washington used to down wine, pasta, and anything with frosting on it. She reports that the only thing that makes her feel better is going for a run. Clearly, K is not nearly as mentally ill as the rest of us.
Reader, what do you take to manage the anxiety your ex bestows upon you?