I was not going to write a “What I’m Thankful For” post this week because I’ve been in such a vile mood I couldn’t think of anything to be grateful for. I’ve been irritable and just a tad bit freaked out because of the uncertainty in my life, and then I completely went off the deep end on Friday when I stopped by one of the two houses Prince owns but does not live in in order to pick something up for Luca, and I saw that he was remodeling his kitchen.
Let me say that once more, for emphasis, and also because that was a really long paragraph.
My ex-husband, the rich one, who has no money to pay child support, has somehow found enough cash to remodel one of the three kitchens he owns.
I was apoplectic not simply because he has chosen to remodel his kitchen instead of pay child support. I was also apoplectic because, when he came out the door and barked orders at the construction crew that he is no doubt nickel-and-diming into poverty, he was positively gloating over his home renovations. In fact, I think he asked me to come by the house just so I would see that he was pouring money into his kitchen.
“Your dad is remodeling the kitchen?” I asked Franny as casually as I could.
“Oh, yeah. It looks really good!” she said.
You can imagine how well this sat with me.
I have not been able to get past my resentment. Dark and evil thoughts have dogged me all weekend. Which bothered me. If I couldn’t stop wallowing, surely this made me a lesser person? I thought of all the bloggers and motivational people on my Twitter feed who are relentlessly upbeat and channeling positivity and The Secret-y, and then I thought how utterly unlike them I was and I should fake it and come up with a What I’m Thankful For anyway, but I couldn’t stop seething, so I just fell into a heap on my bed with a defrosted baguette and a glass of Pinoir Noir.
And then, when I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed instead of finishing one of Franny’s school applications, I read Anne Lamott’s status. And it was as if she had written it JUST. FOR. ME. It’s long, and you can read all if it here, which I urge you to do, especially if you’re feeling bitter, but the gyst of it was that it’s not healthy to tell yourself you MUST be perky when you have reasons to feel like crap. In fact, she said we have been BRAINWASHED into thinking we’re not allowed to feel bad about things that are perfectly legitimate to feel bad about.
And then she invited everyone to write a comment about their current misery on her Facebook page:
“Feel free to mewl and puke and spew here about how the last few days have been a nightmare or how much your feet hurt a lot of the time, even though you know that amputees do have it much worse, or how much you hate hate hate your current weight, or what an absolute asshat your son has been lately, or how scary you just find all of life on earth some days, and how you can’t get your Internet working and have been on the line with snotty tech support for so long that you may have had a nervous breakdown. I will read every single post, and believe complainy-spoiled-overly-sensitive old me, I will GET it.”
So far I am one of 1503 commenters. And Anne Lamott told me it’s okay to be bitter. And guess what that makes me?
Thankful for Anne Lamott.