Yesterday was a hard day for more than one reason. First, I had to get up and get kids off to their first day of school. It was my first day ever to have 3 in 3 different schools. It was not fun. The alarm went off at 5:55 a.m. I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination or interpretation of the words. I am a certified sleepy head. My perfect body schedule would be sleep midnight – 10 am. I am a bit of a night owl and find it hard to go to sleep and equally hard to get up. All day I was like,
Second, I swear since I woke up on the 22nd of July, my 50th birthday, I have been having hot flashes. They aren’t exactly what I expected them to be like, but I do think it is hot flashes. It sucks mightily. I expected them to start with a flush then just a heat up to hot. NO. like 4 times yesterday, all of a sudden I realize I am hot as fuck and sweating all over in places you don’t expect to sweat. I get a terrible case of swamp ass, sure, but also I feel like my arms are sweaty my legs are sweaty and my hair is wet from sweat. How long does this go on? Is this hot flashes? I was explaining it to my hilarious friend Carol last night and she said,
“Crap! It’s Crap! Crap on a Hot Tin Roof!”
Yes, that’s me, but instead of Hot Maggie the Cat, I’m Big Momma.
Fuck. She looks menopausal doesn’t she? Scowl and all.
Third, In addition to nodding off and sweating, I was having fun times with Al. If you read my post from yesterday, you know that I am frustrated with this long distance relationship and ready for something to happen. He thinks we are getting close to resolution of some of our big problems and that within the year he can move. I see lots of tongue wagging and not enough actual action and therein lies our problem. He sees my frustration regarding the lack of action as a lack of trust in him to do what he needs to do. I see his lack of action as possibly a delay tactic or a lack of urgency to be with me. I tell him I won’t do the distance forever. He says that sounds like I want someone, but won’t wait for him specifically, which makes him feel like I want someone but not him especially. I tell him that I would have only been in this long distance relationship with him. Anyone else and I would never have started it in the first place.
Long distance relationships are the 10th Circle of Hell.
Within this circle of hell, I note our relationship of origin issues. He felt pushed by his ex-wife for 20 years, so can tolerate little pushing. I felt ignored and like Stanley didn’t listen to me, so this time I am determined to be heard. Which sounds an awful lot like pushing to him. To me it sounds like I’m having to try to get another man’s attention when I talk.
So, then, in carpool line, I started texting him that I had determined that marriage/relationships are a constant case of renegotiation. Things change, circumstances change, stress levels change, people change, people’s interests change, (people’s ability to manage distance change) and I think you are constantly redefining your relationship and renegotiating that change. If one partner can’t or won’t renegotiate the changes in the relationship, then
Then, Al. My lovah, Al. The Romantic. Lord a mighty, Help me Jesus, Al…
He, who is not bitter, but does have relationship of origin issues, starts up with normal relationships and true love relationships. He sends me this text, (edited for typos)
Marriage/Relationships are about communication. They are a process. True Love is a passion and a state of being. Plenty of marriages/Relationships exist that have one without the other. But there are no great marriages without true love. I want us to have a great marriage.
Bless his heart. He won’t even consider that I might bail because of the distance because he thinks that we have true love, which of course conquers all.
How do you even argue with someone like that? You sound like a cynical bitter bitch when you try to argue with someone like that. But I am kind of a cynical bitter bitch and so sometimes I do argue with him. I believe some people have better connections than others. I believe sometimes you can have a
- great friendship
- hot chemistry
- amazing connection and finish each other’s sentences
and all of that might equal a great relationship that feels like you are soul mates which could be equated in the movies as
Then there are the rest of us that marry people that we aren’t great friends with (check), don’t like the way they kiss or make love (check), and thinks the other person talks funny, (check mate).
Basically, at the end of the day, we just decided to try to be more respectful of the other’s needs. He will respect my need to see action and I will trust him. I’m not comfortable with that at all. I feel the bile rising in my throat right now. It’s bitter. Need Tums.