For Mother’s Day I want one thing.
A day off from feeling like a shitty mom for being divorced.
Or maybe I mean a day off from feeling like a shitty mom
because I’m not with my kids every day.
Or maybe I mean a day when everybody around here
does what I want them to do and is like I want them to be.
On Tuesday I had to go to JB’s poetry reading at school. I had spoken with her the night before reminding her to shower, take her meds, wear her skirt because she was doing her reading, etc., but I was not on. I get to the school and she is greasy. I hate that. Her hormones are kicking up and she needs to shower everyday. She hasn’t quite clued in to that fact yet. Stanley surely hasn’t accepted any responsibility when he is on to get the kids to perform basic hygiene. Now, to be honest, some of the other kids were greasy too. I think 5th grade is not the cleanest year of people’s lives. The entire room was sort of funky, but the fact that some of the other kids were also greasy didn’t make me feel much better. She looked like she was an orphan.
She did wear her uniform skirt, but really?
In addition, her project didn’t look great.
I never would have let her turn it in that way. I had looked at it before I left and she was on track but sometime after 5:30 she quit and Stanley didn’t look at it again. I didn’t say a word to her, I didn’t want to make her feel self conscious before she had to present it, but I was so frustrated when I left that I had a mini breakdown in the car.
Jumping Bean needs me everyday.
I don’t know if it is her age
or her ADHD
or her personality
but she needs me now everyday.
The Boy loves me and follows me around telling me things and he needs me to do his laundry and take him for his haircuts but he is pretty self sufficient. Merlot loves me more than anyone in the world does but she is also pretty self sufficient. She will take care of a lot of her stuff on her own, even at 8 years-old.
I don’t know what to do about it because there is nothing to do about it.
Stanley wants his time.
He’s not terrible or abusive he’s just not going the extra mile with JB.
She needs the extra mile.
I know that she will learn to take care of her own personal hygiene. She is a pretty girl. Really. One day she will care what she looks like and I won’t have to worry how long it has been since she’s showered. I won’t have to worry that she didn’t brush her hair or her teeth before she went to school. But until that time I am going to feel this way. And worry she did a half assed job on her project.
I wish I could learn how to let it go.
In the long run the little shit won’t matter
I have to learn how to let go and realize I am out of control.
I am out of control 50% of the time.
And I’m out of control of everything.
The kids, the house, the yard (ass crack high again).
The dishwasher is still broken.
And there isn’t one thing I can do about any of this.
(Stanley says he will look at the dishwasher.)
For Mother’s Day, I want everything to be done, and clean and working properly.
Now I am remembering to count my blessings. No one is ill or dead.
Al will be here on Saturday which will improve my mood significantly.
Probably what will happen is that I will care less about all of this little shit.
In the mean time, I am going to practice deep breathing.
And take the occasional shot of Fireball.