Al and I have had a really good weekend.
He went to the PTA meeting with me on Friday and helped me stuff boxes with membership forms. He ran the carpools with me and waited while I worked a while. Really, what man would do that? My life is not glamorous. After we got through Friday at 5, Stanley came on and Al and I started our weekend alone. We headed to our fave Mexican place for Top Shelf Margaritas and started a new drinking game.
Al: How was Stanley when he came in?Me: Fine. Pouty.Al: Stanley is a little bitch.Me: Little Bitch!
Al: How did you end up with such a little bitch?
Me: I have no idea……… But you said, “little bitch” again.
Al: No, seriously. I don’t get it. He is whiny.
Me: I know. He is whiny. I can only say he’s really smart and that was a turn on to me. But I’m over it and can only hear whine…..
Al: Because he is a little bitch!
Me: Well, what about you? She is, what’s that word your son says? Giant Douche! She is NO little bitch, she is a GIANT DOUCHE! She is so mean!
Al: GIANT DOUCHE!
Al: All I can say is she wasn’t like that when we met. She had a sense of humor and wasn’t so critical or judgemental. She changed.
Me: I don’t think people change like that. I just don’t. She had that in her then to some degree. She was a latent GIANT DOUCHE.
Al: GIANT DOUCHE!
Me: Seriously, I know she was pretty and everything, and since I’ve had a bunch of tequila now I will admit I saw a pic of you guys in your apartment when you were at work and you looked pretty happy. But, she is MEAN.
Al: You saw our picture? The truth comes out. Yes, she is mean. I think, since we are drinking, that I didn’t think anyone else would like me. I suffered from low self esteem and in the process I married a GIANT DOUCHE.
Me: Not to hurt your feelings or anything, but you had already had a lot of girls like you, including me. So, that makes no sense to me. You had to know that you were attractive to women.
Al: I didn’t! I think some girls ‘got me’ and liked me, and some didn’t. I have no idea.
Me: Well, in the process you sold yourself short to a GIANT DOUCHE and I don’t like her!
Al: Yeah, well you ended up with the whiniest little bitch on the continent.
Me: I did. LITTLE BITCH!
Me: I must have lost my mind.
Al: I think you were just ready to have children and he was handsome enough and smart and your clock was ticking. I wouldn’t really have the nerve to say that to you if we weren’t marinating in Tequila.
Me: TEQUILA! I wonder if they would let me wear that Sombrero on the wall.
Al: If not they are little bitches!
Me: OH SHIT! Stanley is paging me… No not paging, it isn’t 1998, texting me. That little girl from carpool left her backpack in my car!
Al: Little bitch!
Me: Stop! Stop! How the hell am I going to drive it to her? I’m going to have to stay here until I sober up and can drive.
Al: We are going to take it to her tomorrow. I’m thinking about your skirt now.
Me: Oh you are?
Al: Oh yes… You’ve had that skirt on all day and at that meeting I was thinking of how I could run my hand up it and see if anybody would notice.
Me: Are you trying to replace drunkenness with arousal?
Al: Yes, that’s my plan.
Me: It’s working. I can’t think. Okay, you drink the rest of my drink I have to sober up to drive.
Al: If you insist.
Me: Okay, now we left in a bad place last time and we have to talk about it.
Al: OH NO! I would much rather talk about all the places I’m going to taste you when we leave!
Cheers for me!
Me: Damn, lucky me. No, it isn’t going to be that bad. I just want to say that I know it is fun on these weekends, but we have to really find out if we are compatible. I want us to agree that we are going to keep our eyes open in this. We don’t want to make another mistake. NO MORE GIANT DOUCHES or LITTLE BITCHES!
Al: Okay, I would rather talk about keeping other things open but okay.
Me: You are naughty and trying to divert my attention to my bottom half.
Al: I like your bottom half. But okay, okay. I’m being serious. If I am going to agree to keep my eyes open, you have to agree to keep your heart open to me.
Me: Damn you’re good………… FAN ME BEULAH!
Al moved over to sit by me and nibbled my neck.
It is well past time to get out of this restaurant.
Skirt, still on the floor.