I was thinking about my post yesterday and thinking I was so wrong about one thing.
I made a statement:
I have this beautiful perfect man and these beautiful perfect kids. But the price of him not being their father is a high one. Etched right on my heart.
Well, of course no one is perfect although we all think our kids are perfect. Al is not perfect either but to me his desire to be ‘perfect’ for me makes him practically perfect. I wish I had done some things differently, but I am not sorry that Stanley is the father of my kids. We made some really good babies. I wouldn’t change a hair on any of their heads. We had a good life for many years. I wouldn’t really take that back either. I consider that
Stanley was an important part of my evolution
Just like Al was, 30 years ago.
In 1981-82, I had a boyfriend who was beautiful and sweet and looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I was crazy about him when I was with him, but I also had this biiig world out there that I felt like I had to conquer. My mother got married very young. She and my dad have been married for 53 years and still like each other. But for some reason, I had this need to prove myself.
Actually, I know the reason. I wanted my dad to think I was smart.
I was NOT going to get married young. I wanted a career and beautiful clothes and money to take care of myself. Having this boyfriend at 17 was not in my master plan. (He was a jealous one too. If I so much as spoke to another boy, even an ugly boy, he got a look on his face. He says now that he felt me slipping away and it made him feel desperate inside.) I knew though that there was no way I could go to college so far away from him and have any sort of freedom because he could not handle it. I thought there would be other boys that were sweet and looked at me with puppy dog eyes.
Stupid, stupid girl. You may get only one of those in your lifetime.
So I go off on my master plan to have a fantastic career and beautiful clothes and money and have romantic entanglements, some good, some bad, but none with the devotion of my first boyfriend. My family moved away the summer after we graduated and I didn’t see him again. I heard he was getting married when we were 23 or so and it gave me pause and I had a small sit down with myself over whether or not I should try to contact him but I figured he loved her now with the puppy dog eyes.
I had no business contacting him.
I floundered around and wore pretty clothes and had more bad boyfriends then decided to go to grad school so my dad would think I was smart. After grad school I found career success. It was working at a big children’s hospital and I found that I was good in my chosen discipline. Smart people needed my help and expertise. I had promotions and wrote some articles and felt like I had found my niche.
There I met Stanley who was very smart.
Bingo! But, Stanley never looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I was constantly looking for his approval, trying to make him happy. I know that Stanley loved me. But it was in his unemotional, clinical way.
For some reason, I don’t care if people think I’m smart anymore. At some point, I guess I proved it to myself. Also, as I get older I see that the people that I hold in highest esteem aren’t all that smart on every front either. I’ve seen some of the smartest people I know do really, really, stupid things.
Like not believe in global warming!
Now I just want to be loved for who I am.
We all evolve or at least I hope we all do. How awful it would have been for me to have spent my entire life in the pursuit of approval. I was looking at doctoral programs before I came to my senses!
I don’t want a PhD, I want to feel like this.
and love my children like this.
and now I am the one making puppy dog eyes