Stanley left for the beach with the kids on Saturday morning. I packed them and had them ready and kissed them goodbye and then cried the rest of the day. Truly, it was terrible. One friend called me (about something unrelated) and found me in pieces. She suggested that this was just another grief ‘bump’ which I know is true. I finally gave in to the misery and decided to just hide myself away and try to cry it out.
I mean, I went back to zero. I doubted every decision that I have made. Including the divorce. I wondered if I could throw myself on Stanley’s mercy and tell him I didn’t mean it. Of course, I didn’t want him like it is now, I was grieving back to those days when we were happy and held hands while driving to the beach. I questioned whether I should have faked marriage with him (he probably wouldn’t have noticed!) just to not have to take separate vacations with the kids. Oh, and I cried from feelings of insecurity too. Even though he was practically useless and didn’t make me feel safe, I think that ‘marriage’ made me feel safe.My sweet mom was texting me in the midst, and telling me that I had to ‘dig deep’ and find my faith and turn it over to God to help me through it. I feel like I have lost all of that strength. Whatever faith I had at some point feels thin and shallow. I’ve spent 15 years with someone that doesn’t believe he has a soul and I guess that took a toll on me. I need it back and I don’t quite know how to find that again. Yesterday was better. I had chores and errands and I worked a bit. I took dinner last night to my girlfriend who lost her mother after a short illness 2 weeks ago. My friend has been through so much the last few years, including breast cancer, a double mastectomy and reconstruction. She is exactly my age. She has a beautiful family and a supportive husband.
When she was diagnosed with cancer, she kept seeing dragonflies. She tells stories of (the first time) she had a real crisis after just getting the diagnosis and she was praying to God for strength, sitting alone in her car, and a dragonfly kept flying in front of her windshield. It happened again and again, this dragonfly thing, and even I played into it unknowingly. We had dinner and I picked her up a little gift and I stood and debated in the store on what to get. At dinner, she opened a dragonfly etched little trinket for her desk at work and burst into tears before telling me the dragonfly story. It happened again with this with her mom. She said she was walking into the hospital, after flying to FL all day when she got the call that she needed to come NOW, and she said as she was walking, scared and exhausted, into the hospital, she was praying, “please GOD, help my mom, help me, help my mom” and a dragonfly hovered right in front of her. She said she felt peace and that God was with her no matter what happened.I think it is beautiful that she has a clear sign that gives her comfort. And hey, just for the record, it isn’t like dragonflies are everywhere. I go ages and years without encountering a dragonfly. For whatever my spiritually shallow wasteland, I do think that the universe/God is sending her messages of hope and comfort. I need a few of those. I don’t know what my sign would be. Possibly I need to open my eyes and heart to see goodness and signs of comfort around me. Maybe every time someone drops a beer bottle or something I can take it as a hug from God.
Just kidding, there has to be humor somewhere.
I have beautiful, beautiful friends. Thanks to them for their concern and love this weekend when you called and found wreckage. Thanks especially to A for the emergency Xanax run offer on Saturday night. You are never alone if you have friends like mine. Also thanks to M who spent a good while yesterday listening to me process out loud that maybe I made a mistake in ending my marriage.
Of course I didn’t. 15 years of that made me a shallow wasteland inside where before my soul was lush and green. The kids are fine by the way. He will take good care of them. The first vacation away from me will pass and we will all get through it.
My goal now is to try to nurture something inside of me so that I can ‘dig deep’ when needed. I want to be able to recognize the signs of peace and hope.
This week will be busy. I am going to be out of town working and will meet up at the end of the week with
the first boyfriend ever, who has become a good friend. Wish me luck. We haven’t seen each other in 30 years. I’m putting on my big girl pants and facing the music.
Send positive thoughts up that he doesn’t run away screaming.