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One of the nagging little fuckeries of my divorce
is that I no longer have dental benefits.
I know now that when I had them, I didn’t appreciate them enough.
Up until now, I’ve had good teeth.
I would go every 6 months for cleanings and x-rays, all good.
I never once had a problem.
As I would leave the office they would say,
“Okay, we will just file this with your insurance! Have a great day!”
And I would answer, “Thank You! You too!” and flit out happily
as flitters do in their ‘double income with dental benefits’ sort of stable way.
Looking back, I romanticize those times in my head when I had benefits and money and
now can only remember shopping and lunch dates after such menial tasks like going to the dentist.
That was then.
Now I’m a just flitterer-in-a-past-life without dental benefits.
I tell myself that it’s okay because I’m happier. Really, I am.
I have independence and a new partner (he is! An actual partner!)
who is just the whipped cream with a cherry on top.
I’m much happier now, post divorce.
I hardly ever say the words, “Please talk to me” or “What are you thinking?”
But I sure as hell miss my dental benefits.
Because now I grind my teeth at night due to stress.
Yes, I have myself a case of TMJ.
(Too Much Jizz in my brain when I sleep)
Plus I have had a tooth that hurts.
Shit, fuck and damn.
I called my dentist and asked the price for an office visit.
Not bad. But not good. Also, I had no option but to go.
So, I did that yesterday. The kindly old gentleman who talks my ears off
of my head while poking around in my mouth gave me the bad news.
I need a crown.
It’s the first time in my life someone has offered me a crown
(and make no mistake, I’ve been waiting my whole damn life)
And it is a dental crown.
That costs $850.
The dentist looked at me sadly as he gave me the news,
since I’m an ex-flitterer and all.
I considered for a moment turning tricks in the parking lot.
Then I remembered that I’m kind of old and have a big ass.
Plus it’s illegal and ewwwwwwwwww.
They have a payment plan.
I wonder if my kids will understand that Santa brought
me dental work instead of them toys this year?
Yes, I sure as hell miss my dental benefits.
(Aside: and shopping and going to lunch and getting my hair highlighted
and spending $200 on crap at Target that I didn’t need, and shoes,
we can never, ever forget the shoes I don’t get to buy now. OH! And
vacations, I really miss the beach. I haven’t been to the beach post divorce.
OH! And wine when I want it. I ration wine now, just can’t afford those
bottles every few days anymore. Actually, now that I think of it,
this may be why I grind my teeth now. I don’t drink as much wine. Well, shit!
Note to self, buy wine in an effort to research this hypothesis. End of aside.)
I’m working on a bartering idea for divorced women.
I’ll provided hours of psychotherapy if you give me a crown.
I also need my bathroom remodeled.
Seriously, this could work.
It’s my idea. If I see it anywhere else I’m going to sue.