This post is going to be all over the place. I can tell from already. I apologize in advance. I have been trying to determine today where my sense of failure comes from. I still feel it about my divorce but also about other things in my life too.When Jumping Bean was diagnosed with ADHD, I had such a sense that it was my fault. Failure; maybe if I hadn’t had that 1/2 a glass of wine when I was pregnant, etc.
|It wasn’t this bad!|
Tonight after key exchange, sick of sick people (Jumping Bean and The Boy have had a version of the stomach bug that hit Merlot and I over the weekend), I bailed and went shopping. I have absolutely no money. Failure; I didn’t ever think I would be this broke at this age. Might explain my resentment of Anne Romney. In the shoe department I stuck my size 7 into all the cute samples on the floor and I got more and more depressed because most of those shoes I was admiring, I can’t wear anymore. Failure; at 47 years-old and after years of working in hospitals, I have to wear sensible shoes. Or my feet hurt. It is terrible. Now I pay $150 for shoes that look like
|yes I own these. But mine are scuffed up.|
BTW, there is a very mean and hateful part of me that hopes Swamp Ass can’t wear them anymore either. Even though I am hundreds of years older than she is, it just pissed me off all over the shoe department.
Look at Swamp Ass in those shoes!
Digression: now I feel like a failure because I am a mean person begrudging a 20 month pregnant woman her high heels. Plus I am calling her Swamp Ass. What is wrong with me?
At the root of all of these feelings of failure is continued disappointment with myself about my divorce. I know this. But I swear I am doing the best I can. I read an article today about children and divorce and when is the best time, age-wise, for them with divorce. I thought about this so much with my divorce and Stanley and I actually did discuss it. In person, at the therapist’s office. Should we wait until some were out of the house (Good heavens, Merlot was 6!) or just go on and do our best for them? Well, you see what we decided. And I often wonder if that was the right thing.
I feel a failure because my kids aren’t growing up with a perfect childhood.
Of course we all know what a crock of shit that is. Me most of all. I help people everyday untangle their crappy childhoods and make peace with it so that they can move forward with their lives.
At my age now I can look back on families that I thought were perfect when I was a kid. Many of them had huge skeletons in the closet that came to light as the kids moved out.
Yes, I remember when the Brady Bunch came on at night.
and Mr. Brady had more than a little going on in his closet too.
Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. I am making the best decisions I can every single day.My kids will be alright.
I’m doing the best I can. I’m doing the best I can.
BUT I WANT THE CUTE SHOES!!! DAMN IT!