I’m edgy. I’m on the edge of sad and mad. I’ve been on the edge for several days.
So, all week I have been anxiously ruminating on this lunch with Stanley to discuss selling the house. I’ve played it over and over in my head and rehearsed my points until I felt I was ready. I was ready. This morning I sent him a text asking where and when and got back a response that he needed to reschedule.
Well, hell. I was ready. I had girded my loins.
So, now we are down for Thursday.
I’ve had not one speck of luck this week. Not one. I’ve tried to avoid traffic and gotten in worse jams. Like srsly 4 times. I got to Target and realized I had forgotten my purse. Today, I realized after carpool that I had worn my J. Jill black pants inside out all day.
No shit. It was 3:30 people. All day they were inside out. I had seen about 100 people, had lunch with a friend, it was not good.
I was glad Stanley rescheduled because it is hard to look powerful with your britches inside out.
When I got to the crash pad tonight my parents were in their bedroom and mom hollered out she was checking my dad for ticks.
I swear they aren’t rednecks.
When they came out of their room Dad said, “It was really romantic getting checked for ticks until she called it my penis. Penis is not romantic.” Mom said, “Well what is the word you use for it when you are checking it for ticks?” He said, “At least you could have called it my Big Johnson!”
Srsly, I need an apartment.
Now I’m drinking wine and pondering why I feel so edgy.
A large part of the problem is that Al and I haven’t seen each other for almost 3 weeks and the plane tickets for this weekend are $900. We started looking at them 2 weeks ago. So, we aren’t going to be able to swing it. Then next weekend is his daughter’s college graduation, so that’s a no go. The week after is also very expensive. I have no idea what is up with these flights, but it needs to
get. fucking. fixed.
Al and I haven’t gone that long in ages. I will be trying to break up with him for sure. It is already going to be hard not to be with him for the graduation. I want to celebrate too. Unfortunately this child is not at the point where a girlfriend is welcome at her events yet. Maybe someday. They had a relationship crisis when he separated from her mom, nothing to do with me, but they have had to rebuild trust in little increments. She took their divorce hardest of all. My kids have been easy in this process comparably, but his were older and had witnessed more conflict in their marriage and her crazy mood swings and I think there was some anger on their part and fear that he was abandoning them to deal with her. He has worked really hard to be there emotionally for them every minute even as he became a non-driver and he lost some of his mobility. But she has made it clear she isn’t ready to meet a girlfriend.
So, I’m not invited.
Probably not the best time to have such a long delay between visits.
We have talked a lot about our future and I feel good about it and have hope that it will one day be expected that I will attend events with him. If we were not separated by distance this would have come to a head before now, but because we aren’t together all the time we have had the time to give in to the whims of other people.
Anyway, at what point do you stop considering other people and live your life?
That is a question for another day. First I have to get through Thursday.
Help me Jesus.