Thanks for hanging in there with me this week. I think I have said just about all I can think of to say on the subject.
Now, really that is never true.
I hate when I tell my own self a lie.
There is just one more thing I want to say.
Sex should be fun.
I always knew it should be fun. I think in the early part of my marriage and courtship with Stanley it was fun. But at some point, it became a chore best to be avoided. I remember many nights pretending to be asleep when he came in to bed so that it would be off the table. Really, that wasn’t fair. I should have said to him, “I want us to be closer and for that we need to maintain a good physical relationship so I need you to try a little harder with me in bed so that I will be more interested in sex.” Instead I faked sleep. Or my period. He wasn’t observant enough to note a lack of pink wrappers in the bathroom trash can. It is pathetic in hindsight that I didn’t care enough about my marriage to have that conversation or insist that he work with me to make that part of our marriage better.
My mom told me once that sometimes having a good sex life
can get a couple through hard times in a marriage.
Looking back, I can see that Stanley and I really had nothing to draw on when things got tough. We didn’t communicate well anywhere, including the bedroom.
I think I had low expectations for sex.
I woke up one day though and decided that his being lazy in our relationship, not communicating well with me, leaving the room when I was upset and crying rather than try to make me feel better, was not enough and I would rather be alone.
and to be honest sex with myself isn’t horrible.
I am hyper alert for signs of laziness in my new relationship. (Poor Al). We bring such baggage to new relationships. I make him talk about everything. It can’t be easy to date me. I have had it lucky in that my first relationship after my divorce was not with someone that I had to actually meet as a stranger. I can’t imagine a stranger putting up with my crazy ass.
But I hope that I learned some valuable lessons from my first marriage. The most important being not to sweep problems under the rug (or allow them to be swept, which was more my crime) to avoid having an uncomfortable conversation. When you are making the decision to divorce, you face some crossroads and have to choose a path for your life:
live unhappy vs. scary unknown but hope for future happiness
I remember at that stage thinking that I only had one life (I guess I don’t believe in reincarnation) and I had to make it count. I want for my life to be meaningful. And fun. I want my life to be fun. I am realistic, believe me I’ve seen grief and heartbreak, I know it can be around any corner if you are lucky enough not to be crying your eyes out at this very minute, but for the time we have, I want my life to be soulful, lived well, surrounded by love and fun.
Being nekkid with someone should be fun.
Don’t be afraid to talk about it.
Go and have fun people.
Next week back to birdshit.