I’m back home with the kids and working while they lounge at home. I did take the girls last night to see Oz The Great and Powerful and we loved it.
Otherwise… I’m getting love letters via email from Florida.
I think my Done-O-Meter comment made my lovah just a tad nervous.
Which wasn’t my intent at all. Blogging helps me process some of the stuff in my head sometimes, like actually I don’t realize the depth of my feelings about something until I let it flow out of my brain through my fingertips and read it there. If it isn’t too crazy and there is some semblance of a boundary, I hit publish. Someone out there might need a little evidence today that romantic men still exist and so I am sharing this with you. Damn he’s good. Totally worth some stupid.Hey there honey. Kids are still sleeping and I have been laying in bed thinking. Missing you and imagining how you feel laying in my arms. I love that moment in the morning when I wake up and you are still asleep. I have my arms around you. I can see your chest rise and fall gently. I love to watch over you. It’s one of the most beautiful things I ever get to see. One of my happy places. I think I’m just keyed up bc vacation is nice and all but there are stresses that come with it. And just bc I’m here life is still running around out there. I’m anxious to get trips settled. Get you to me. Get my kids down there. Get you to my parents. All these really great great things I want them to happen all at once. And then there are the usual worries.
But the biggest concern is getting us back on solid ground. I hate the fact that it’s been so tricky. Frustrating. But I am committed. It’s urgent. It cannot and will not fail. I won’t allow that. I need you. It’s that simple. My love for you is so all consuming that I simply cannot envision any kind of happiness without you. So I want you to know this: that I am urgent. that this is vital. That there is not one second that I am not totally given over to you. Bc that’s all I know now. Total surrender of everything that I have to you. Bc you are and always will be the guiding force for joy in my heart. So please know this. I love you. Ever thine Your ‘Al’
Maybe a lot of men are like this and I just don’t realize it because I’ve never had one. Stanley didn’t communicate about anything and he certainly couldn’t have articulated any of that in any way, not verbally, not via email, not in sky writing, not in pee bubbles in the toilet, no way Jose. Al isn’t creepy about it, I’ve known him 32 years and he has good boundaries and isn’t a stalker. He just thinks it is okay to tell me that he wants me and this relationship and he needs me. I still have problems dropping my guard enough to do that sometimes. It is refreshing to have someone in my life, in any capacity, that is comfortable enough to just drop the bullshit and open their heart completely to me. Honestly, with the struggles of a long distance relationship, if he wasn’t this way my Done -O-Meter would have had me out of this probably before it got started.
My biggest challenge here is not to fuck it up.
It is hard for me to relax and trust him. I’m not easy. I process constantly, my mind moves 100 miles an hour, I’m strong and put off confident vibes yet I’m scared to death that I can’t manage without a man to do the hard stuff. Like deal with the Light, Gas and Water man that appeared in my backyard with a flashlight at 10 pm last night and freaked me out. Then I get mad about the distance and act all a fool pushing him away and saying things like, “What good is having a boyfriend if they aren’t here to go investigate scary shit and noises in the backyard at night.”
I’m not easy.
But I’m also not insane and apologize pretty quick because
I know men like this don’t grow on trees.