Today is Merlot’s Birthday.
Yes, my baby is 8 years old today.
Stanley came over to the nest late last night to sleep so he could be here for her birthday when she woke up and she could open her presents. Tonight we are meeting him for dinner. All good, she was happy as a clam and I think all of the kids were happy to have us both here this morning. But I can hardly look at him. I didn’t sleep well and woke up this morning thinking I just want it over. I feel like we are still married with all of this tension and still faking it for the kids.
I want another divorce.
But driving back from carpool, again, I was hit with how perfect this has been for the kids. They aren’t just doing okay, they are thriving. There hasn’t been one behavior change, one falling grade, nothing. I was thinking of all the times he has told me that if we quit birdnesting the kids will be “okay”. I don’t want them to just be okay. I want them to be the same as they are now. When someone asks me how I am and I say okay, that means I’m hanging in there.
As an adjective, “okay” means “adequate,” “acceptable” (“this is okay to send out”), “mediocre” often in contrast to “good” (“the food was okay”).
I want more for them than okay.
I don’t know, maybe children of divorce only get okay. I went to bed miserable last night because I was lamenting again my choice to leave my marriage and subject my kids to divorce. What kind of a mother am I that I would put my kids through pain just because I was lonely and frustrated? I could have faked it. I’m spiraling here and allowing you to see into my head the level of guilt I still feel about my marriage. There is a huge part of me that feels like I have failed so miserably.
I know, I know. I have to forgive myself.
But if my kids grow up and have problems adjusting or carry this shit with them forever then I will NEVER forgive myself. What was I thinking? I think when it started that I thought that Stanley would realize I was seriously unhappy and try to engage more if I went as far as a therapist and talking about divorce. No, that didn’t happen. What did happen, is at some point during that time I decided my needs mattered too and I kept on going in pursuit of personal happiness.
But at the expense of my children?
When I am in this mindset, as I drive down the street, I look at the houses and imagine them all filled with happily married couples and perfect children where there is only laughter and intactness. (I think I made up that word, intactness)
I know what I want.
Happy, happy children that don’t have to move or change houses or suffer or be poor.
the opportunity to have a man in my life who can also be my best friend.
Possibly that is too much to hope for.
So many people have so much less than I do.
I am still planning to sit with Stanley at some point soon to have a conversation re: the future of this arrangement. At 6 am this morning I was going to agree to stop it, the kids will be okay. As of now, I am going to do what I can to get him to agree to keep going.
Okay is not good enough for them.