I am so irritable.
I am jealous of people that can meditate and calm themselves.
I have spent the morning trying to calm my ass down by using safe place imagery.
I use it with my patients.
It works to reduce anxiety by imagining they are in the place
that gives them the most comfort and peace.
But I’m way too ADHD and have yet to make this work for myself.
I start on the road to my safe place and then I remember that there are cinder blocks on the pool deck again and Stanley sucks so bad, and he said I am OCD about putting things away and I have to drop the dog at the groomer and pick up JB’s ADHD prescription, and what would happen if I took one of her pills because God knows, I need it, or maybe I can have a glass of wine early, and how early is too early and would anyone really know and when the heck is this Cipro going to kick in because it still burns to pee and what did women in the olden days do for that, probably died a slow painful death and oh yes, this is not helping me find my safe place, I should forget it and just go to work because apparently other people can follow my directions much better than I can.
Now I’ve freaked myself out because in this process I have realized that since my divorce, I don’t think I even know where my safe place is. My home, at times now, increases my anxiety because:
1. Stanley rotates in and I live out of a freakin bag
2. I worry that I will have to sell because there is no way I can afford the house on my own when he decides he doesn’t want to birdnest anymore
I don’t want to have to sell because I want it to be a stable place for the kids and we have only been here 2 years (exactly 2 years). I want my kids to know where their safe place is. Of course I realize that their safe place is with me and mine is with them, not the house.
I think the safest and most comforted I have ever felt was sitting in a soft chair snuggled up and nursing a baby. Of course that was more about me providing safety and comfort than receiving it but it gave me the warmest, fuzziest feelings of my life.
Not surprising I guess, since breastfeeding releases oxytocin which has been shown to promote feelings of trust and confidence and to reduce fear. I wonder if I can buy some at Super Target? Because I sure as hell am not going to be releasing oxytocin anytime soon or like, ever again.
Otherwise I am left with my old standby, Xanax and a nice Pinot Grigio.
Oh well, it will all be okay. It is hard not to be irritable when it burns to pee.
Now I’m normalizing my own behavior.
I’m going to go work.