I married a man who over compensated by living in the fast lane, always driving the fastest most expensive car all for show. And to compensate for his shortcomings, he over indulged in the pursuit of appearing perfect through such behaviors as narcissism which is abused the power resulting in my own demise and ruin. Subjected to years married to a man who gave me deceptives vows and thrived off the power of others especially when it came to his family and later children. If you were still lucky enough to have a title such as wife. For most women in these types of marriages have lost all respect for their spouse and often they are stripped of the titles they came into the marriage having for now he reigns over the house which you live in and he pays for, while you do nothing all day which means you are nothing and he has everything. Or at least this is how you come to find yourself living, breathing and soon one day even believing in and before you know it a decade if not more has gone by along with your sanity, security, freedom and most importantly your happiness.
For most of our relationship he was the stronger one while I was the weaker one. Always asking for help, guidance, and directions I gave him a sense of purpose and made him feel I couldn’t live without him. And while he thrived in this relationship I did not but never let it show. We lived this way the better part of our marriage. Always viewed as the happy couple in love, we may have thought we were in love but now looking back on it he was not capable of true love. No narcissist ever can be. Not until the day my life would change forever after the death of my best friend died tragically in a car accident, would I realize just what true love meant to someone. I grieved her loss for years to come and to help my grieving lost soul I convinced my husband somehow into having not one but two baby girls to replace the loss of someone he once called my soul mate. It wasn’t until I tried for baby number 3 that I was rejected and finally told no. I felt powerless over his decision, like he was rewriting my life story. That is when I realized he did not give me anything he took what he wanted and now was content and my unhappiness was not his concern. It never was and never would be at least in this marriage.
Now surrounded by children to care for day and night and love unconditionally till the day we both die. I slowly begun to find myself yearning for those same feelings that had been missing from my life for so long. I had a desire to feel good, to have the feelings you do when you are loved and praised or rewarded. It is at this point where some women might choose unhealthy ways to cope with this loss in their life with behaviors that have negative consequences like alcohol or drug abuse, shopping addiction, or gambling addiction. It is at these cross roads in your life where you can literally make the best decision or the worst decision and what you pick will ultimately define who you are for the rest of your life. For now your life is finally in your control so be careful what you choose to now do with it. Don’t allow someone else to write anymore of your story because it is yours to live and it is yours to tell.
What I ultimately chose is a story in itself and will be shared another day. Now it is a time for you to take a good long hard look at yourself in the mirror and realize you deserve better, you deserve more, and most of all you deserve to control your own life. You need to lose the power that has reigned over you and your life and get back your control by divorcing the man who promised to love you for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part. Those sacred matrimonial words we once exchanged before God now broken promises never to be forgotten.
I had come to realize and often even tell my husband that living with him in ‘his house’ which I did not even possess a key to was no different than being in jail living as a prisoner. It would make him mad but I was being honest and knew it wasn’t far from the truth. He was the warden, I was his prisoner and our children were mine to clean and take care he wanted to take them away or worse send them away. Often fearing that if I ever tried to leave him he would surely take my babies and run but he wouldn’t dare, he couldn’t could he.? He picked Memorial Day week end knowing it was a holiday and would prove more difficult for me to find him and would cause me more misery. His narcissistic abusive ego had finally got the best of him when he admitted during his long 4 day escape from reality that they didn’t even miss me or know that I was not there. That is how little regard he had for my already broken heart but to go to that level after kidnapping our children for no other reason than pure insanity and evil for him to take our children from their school and then hide out in a hotel is beyond criminal!
I first called 911 and was informed that if we were married he had every right just as I did to take the children where he wanted and that nothing could be done to protect them or get them back home safely where they belong, in my arms. Leaving me all alone in a world controlled by his silent betrayal a new tactic he had begun using on me which was causing great pain and he knew it. Control of the conscious seeks the person’s own perfection and the realization of love between persons. If perfection is not seen in the eye of the beholder or rather your husband then love begins to dissipate for we both have different ideas of what perfection is and what it means to someone. And once we drift apart in what we agree on, there is nothing left but disagreements, fights and a life of imperfection where nobody can be happy. This was not a marriage, this was not even a friendship. He was my enemy and as they say keep your friends close but your enemies closer
‘In a dark time, the eyes begin to see,’ by Theodore Roethke.