I dreamed of the big wedding in the Catholic church, the beautiful children and all living happily in a wonderful big home.
I had the beautiful wedding, I have 2 children better than I could have ever dreamed and the 3 of us live happily in a 2 bedroom condo I owned before I married.
I never dreamed of living through his drunk depression, his 4 years of unemployment, and his inability to parent or have any interest in a social life together.
Now that the nightmare of divorce is behind me and I’ve finally grasped the differences and distinctions between what was, what was going to be, and the reality of my new what is, the clouds of my dreams have faded.
I see now the clarity of bright blue of new is in front me and it is wonderful! There are new plans to prepare, dreams to dream and goals to accomplish.
We are divorced. This is a license to freedom and a new beginning if we are courageous enough to accept the divorce as an opportunity instead of a loss in our very short lives. Some say – and I do believe it – that grieving through a divorce is much more difficult than losing someone in death. The marriage is dead but so often because of kids and finances we remain enmeshed in a relationship we’ve tried so hard to keep – or leave.
Some only dream of being a mother and wife. Some want the security both financially and emotionally of a significant other. Some are ruined with the thought of having to stand and act alone instead of appreciating the true gift upon us.
To change the mindset from grief to gratitude is to accept the circumstance as a blessing and possibly the realization of so many dreams – just a bit different than first imagined. I am so thankful that I got to be married – and realize how much it was not for me. I am truly grateful that I have two beautiful children who know the love of their father without living in the conflict of our marriage. I am even happy that we had to move back into a very small home and work through this transition very close to one another instead of trying to go bigger and better immediately.
Regardless of why or how the divorce happened, it has happened. Whether we wasted years in a marriage with someone not able to offer the same love, or we are ruining the now, pouting and punishing ourselves for what happened, we cannot and should not spend one more second in the past.
Come to your present. No matter how scary or painful – or lonely you may feel. WAKE UP! Come to your present and find you and the gifts of joy, happiness and love you have to offer yourself and your great future.
What is your new dream?
What do you desire for your future?
What is going to make you happy?
Even in this day and age so many women wrap themselves is a cloak of co-dependency and a blanket of our spouse’s identity. This starts with the decision to wait for the ring from him to taking his name to involving our love so deeply in what makes him happy that our own dreams and visions for our future fade.
Then, in a moment of reality we either resent him for taking what we gave freely and want out ourselves or watch him walk away without consideration or possibly appreciation for all that we gave.
As a divorce attorney for 16 years now, I still believe selfishness is the number one reason for divorce.
If you haven’t already, it’s time to be selfish for you. Focus on you. Commit to figuring out exactly what and how you want your life – for you first.
This exploration and determination does not happen overnight, but just as you pour that glass of wine and get pissed about your what is – as we all do – stop for a minute and say out loud, as if you were talking right to him, “I never needed you for my dreams to come true.”
With this mentality may we only let those in our lives who deserve the privilege of our love and compassion; who will commit to lifting us up instead of bring us down; and always have sight of our own dreams.
May all of your dreams come true!
More from DivorcedMoms.com
- 4 Paths to Consider for Financial Security After Divorce
- 10 Habits of Financially Smart Divorced Women
- Four Years Later: How I Found My Happy After Divorce
For more information about divorce in your state, visit Divorce Magazine.