“How do I even TALK to this person?” This question has come up both in my divorce coaching business and in my astrology business. More and more, I am finding that these two professions (coaching and astrology) merge together in a way that frames a more accurate picture both of what is going on in an interpersonal dynamic and, most importantly, what to do about it.
From an astrology perspective, I would begin with the personality type. Most people are familiar with their birthday and the corresponding zodiac sign. In astrology, we would call this birthday zodiac sign the “Sun Sign,” meaning that from our viewpoint on Earth the Sun on the person’s birthday is moving through the area of sky that has a backdrop of star constellations like Leo or Aries.
What most people do NOT know is that each person has other personality types dictated by the position of the Moon at the time of birth and the position of stars over the horizon at the exact time of birth. These last two personality components that each person possesses are called the “Moon Sign” and the “Rising or Ascendant Sign.”
But if you don’t know the Moon and Rising sign of your ex, you can know, loosely, a great deal about your ex by the Sun Sign.
In the realm of negotiation and communication during and after divorce, it is important to know what motivates, on a deep emotional level, the other party. We can think we know what motivates them, but sometimes we are not focused as accurately as we could be on what truly motivates them. In productive communication, it is best to appeal to a person’s highest and best motivations.
I am going to give a cheat sheet for the Zodiac to help you understand, without bias, what truly motivates your ex on a deep emotional, subconscious level based on Sun Sign. If you want to understand a richer perspective, then you need to go to www.astro.com and plug in all the birth data and pull up a full astrology chart to see the Moon and Rising signs. Or, you can work with an astrologer to get a complete picture.
Here is a very basic global perspective based on sign type.
Zodiac Sign Types and Their General Motivations:
Fire Signs: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius; These are action signs. They need clear signals and instructions on the precise action they need to take in the exact moment in question. You need to be very specific. These signs are emotionally motivated to feel like they are taking the precise and perfect action required at that time. Your job as the negotiator is to precisely frame the perfect action that brings the best result for the given situation. Appeal to their need to achieve something meaningful and reach quick success. It is important to honor this group’s need to feel that they have achieved something. Sometimes this group needs to feel like they have won something. As negotiator, you need to frame outcomes in terms of what they get from it. Use the win/win scenario. For example, “If we do it this way, you will get… and it would help me because…”
Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn; These are practical signs. They need a practical solution and a practical approach. As negotiator, it is your job to appeal to their practical nature and to minimize emotional tactics or emotional displays. An Earth sign has deep emotions just like anyone else, but in the highly-charged dynamic of divorce or discord, these signs will shrink from and seem uncooperative in any discussion that is fueled with emotional tones of anger, for example, or emotional warfare. Work with your own practical nature to appeal to theirs. Lastly, it is very important to honor this group’s need to feel helpful and valued. Say things like, “Thank you. That really helped me out.” Or, “It would help me if you could….” And also, “Your plan sounds good, and what I would like to add is…” Or, “That makes sense, could we also think about…?”
Air Signs: Gemini, Libra, Aquarius; These are intellectual signs. They need to think things through. They need logic. As negotiator, you need to appeal to their logical mind. Even in more casual conversations, if you want to persuade them, you need to have a prepared flow chart in your head that leads them down the path of logic. You also need to honor their intellect and say things like, “That makes sense and also could we do this other thing that makes sense?” Or, “You are right. I see what you mean. Thank you. In addition to that there is this other issue we need to solve.” Or, if their plan or idea or approach has holes in it, you need to be able to point those out diplomatically and clearly—without emotion. Like Earth signs, the Air signs shrink from emotional overtones or undercurrents coming from the opposing party.
Water Signs: Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces; These are emotional signs. They need to express their emotions and feel like other people respect their emotions or, as they see it, their point of view. As negotiator, it is your job to recognize that these people WILL emote and that you need to show them that you respect how they feel. It is part of who they are. It is also important to recognize that male water signs may seem impassive on the surface, but they feel things DEEPLY—even if they never show it. If you say hurtful, or simply unthoughtful, things over and over again, this person is getting emotionally scarred from it—even if you don’t see it and they don’t verbalize it. Instead, say things like, “I am sorry that I said that in a way that sounded mean. What I meant was this.” Or, “The last thing I want to do is hurt you further, the main thing I want to accomplish is this…” Or, “I understand how you feel, and what I would like to do is this…How do you feel about that?”
All the above being said, these zodiac Sun Sign tips for negotiation won’t solve problems overnight. However, if you remain committed to remembering these concepts and guidelines and apply them over an extended period of time, you will begin to shift the overall dynamic into a more productive place! Another tip is to read these rules for your own sign and understand what most deeply motivates you.
Remember that if the other person is seemingly super stubborn or behaving really badly, most likely their basic emotional needs are not being honored in a consistent way within your communications and negotiations. Of course, you are not responsible for their bad behavior. They are. However, you can change the nature of your interactions by tweaking your own style of conversation and presentation. It might not be perfection, but it might go far better for you.
Good luck and may the stars align for the next conversation with the ex!
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