I was different. I did not play with dolls or teddy bears when I was a youngster. I did not fantasize about a glorious wedding. I had dreams of being team doctor for the Detroit Pistons. I dreamed of traveling the world. I never thought of marriage, I would have splended experiences/relationships with men all over the world.
I am the oldest of five and spent my after school time and summers watching my siblings. Even my mom jokes that I raised my youngest brother. It was the best form of birth control. I had no biological clock counting down to menopause.
I had great sex. I had could have had a V8 instead sex. I changed states at a drop of a hat. Yet, medical school and becoming a team doctor was not to be. I have spent many years in corporate America in the stressful world of Project Management. I became a businesswoman and for a long time, I truly enjoyed it.
I bought a condo (a house was too much work), bought the nice car, went back to school to finish degree, and had a nice amount in savings account. I was an independent woman. I had achieved my ultimate goal – not to be my mother.
I saw my mother as someone who stayed in an unhappy marriage for too long. She was a divorced, single mother struggling to pay bills each month. I moved out freshmen year of college and never really went back. I refused to be dependent on a man for anything, especially my personal happiness and would never jeopardize my carefree life by having a child.
Then I met my ex-husband and gradually I softened. I was tired of the stress, the last minute traveling, and having happy hour porch drinking interrupted by irate customers. I wanted more. I was not lonely but I was alone. My close family and friends were shocked that I chose to get married and down right speechless when we announced we were pregnant.
Was I in love? Or was I just failing for peer pressure? I was in my early 30’s; my peers were either divorced from their starter marriages or coupled up in long term live together relationships. Then by mid 30’s everyone was either married or engaged. Did we follow the crowed or were we truly in love? I choose to believe we were truly in love. Either way, the direction of my life changed forever and I could never go back to my old belief system.
Then because we were all late boomers, our group of friends started having kids on the other side of 35. I know I felt pressure from my family to spawn offspring. Pap and I had the conversation. Yet, now I wonder was it peer pressure and doing what was expected or truly something we both wanted to do. I truly love my Kiddo and thank God daily that we decided to spawn a kid. But because the marriage never made it past the pregnancy, I wonder were we following the crowd or doing what was our heart desire. In the end, it’s a mute point.
Now as 40 is less than a month away and with a divorce finalized little over a month ago, sometimes I think about my initial plan for my life. No marriage and no children. (Don’t freak, I never want to erase my child – but if I am being truly honest, I wonder) BUT, even though the past two years were hell, I would not change one little bit of my life. I am thankful for my failed marriage and the child we are raising together.
Why? Because I have learned I am not meant to be alone floating from one meaningless relationship to the next. I am destined for more. I have gotten a glimpse of how fulfilling a truly healthy relationship (marriage) can be. Even the recent pain of a failed marriage is not enough to close my heart off to love again.
I will have love for Pap for the rest of my life, being the father of my child and because I truly believe what we had was real at the moment. It was the love I had for him that changed my outlook on marriage, kids and overall purpose of this life. I refuse to allow bitterness and pain to change this fact.
I cannot imagine my life without Kiddo. Okay, honestly, I can, but it is not a life I want or desire anymore. I am thankful I am a parent; even thankful I am an older parent. My life has a depth and a desire that I would have never experienced without Kiddo. He has filled my life in a way I could never have imagined.
Even though my marriage failed, I know what it feels like to be married and honestly I want that again. I want to share this life with another person. I am in no rush to find my future husband. I gotta lot of work to do still on me, but I know without a doubt that my future, mine and Kiddo’s future, includes a special person that will make all the heartache so worth it.
P.S. Stupid ass kitchen sink is still not fixed, off to buy a new garbage disposal.