Some people think divorce is the most horrible thing that could happen to a person. And from my experience, it definitely felt that way when it first happened. But after nearly two years, I can say that it is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I loved my husband – correction, at one point I loved the person I thought my husband was. During the last 20 months, I’ve learned that he was not even remotely close to the person I thought he was and no way could I say I love the man he turned out to be.
Yes, I cried for weeks on end. But one day I decided to stop. I don’t know about everyone else but when I need a good cry, I head to the shower. There’s some sort of illusion the shower creates for me; it’s as if turning the water on and closing the curtain makes the rest of the world disappear and I’m completely alone and able to really let my emotions out.
One day after an emotional cleanse in the shower I was in my bedroom when I heard my mom come home. She asked my dad what was wrong; he was crying. I had been so caught up with my own emotions that I didn’t realize that my dad was sitting in his chair balling his eyes out. I heard him tell my mom that he was so distraught because he heard me sobbing uncontrollably and knew that as a father there wasn’t a single thing he could do to make me feel better. At that moment I decided I was not going to cry anymore. I couldn’t allow the complete jackass that I had married to make MY father cry.
So, instead of crying, I decided to live.
I chose to do things that made me happy. I bought a hiking backpack to put my son in from another single mom for dirt cheap and started hiking every mountain within driving distance. My son and I fell in love with the mountains and the views to the point that he now wakes up on the weekends and asks to climb a mountain. We started living in the moment and embracing the world around us. We go to the beach and play in the sand, we turn our apartment into a concert venue with our music blasting while drumming on pots and pans, we paint in the kitchen and make the world’s biggest mess but it doesn’t matter because we are living and we are happy.
Finally, I did what is so hard for most moms to do. I started doing things by myself and completely for myself. Yoga. At first, I felt horribly guilty. I was missing time with my son AND I was spending money on myself. After taking a long break from practicing and then trying out different studios, I found my yoga studio. I’ve been attending classes at this new studio for a few months and I’ve never been happier. The guilt is completely gone. I get to spend time loving myself and letting go of the things that no longer serve me.
Throughout these past 20 months, I have done massive amounts of self-discovery.
Some days are fantastic, some days are beyond horrible, and other days are just average. But when it comes to my divorce (that will hopefully be finalized soon) I’m thankful. I’m thankful for being forced to find myself again. And through finding myself I’ve fallen in love with myself. And as much of a jackass as my soon to be ex-husband is, I want to thank him.
So…horrible soon to be ex-husband, thank you. Thank you for putting me through the hell that led to my heaven on earth. I now know what real love is and the most important type of love…self-love. Thank you for bringing nature back into my life as well as into the life of our son. Through your actions, I have found balance – both physically and mentally. Without your huge fuck up, I would not be the person that I am today. And in case you didn’t know, I absolutely fucking love her!