Allana, how do you keep a balance of being your son’s best friend, role model, and mother? I feel like those three roles conflict, but you seem to balance each one so perfectly.
Perfection is an illusion. Finding the balance takes a lot of falling down and getting back up again. It’s not perfect, but more of a seamless blend. For the different capacities/roles, we play as single moms – I don’t sort, compartmentalize, give them an identity and switch them in and out. I’m one big soup, one big mushball of presence and awareness to the best of my ability, moment to moment allowing without control or strategy or agenda, whatever is required.
In order to survive, we must live moment to moment for the greatest outcome.
Does that make sense? For example, I used to think I could only be sexy here. I could only be kind there. I could only be clever over here. I could only be all these things at specific times, under specific circumstances. Control, control, control. My motivation at the time was to be safe and seeking, seeking to get someone to like me enough to approve of me. It was all externally driven to get a result so that I could achieve something and accomplish something. The goal or mission was to prove I was good enough. It was all external pollution.
I began to identify myself from the inside out that only my opinion of myself matters. So that inner certainty, that inner safety, that inner approval, that inner sense of home – came from a radiant light inside of me. When you start to live like that, no longer needing approval from the outside, you surrender the insights to your heart and take back your power. Call it intuition, call it consciousness, call it awareness.
You will begin to possess this inner navigation system, as opposed to an externally circumstantial navigation system where you just listen. Over time, it will evolve into authenticity or vulnerability. You will finally have this ability to be because you don’t need anybody on the outside to do something or look at you a certain way. When this is achieved, your mind, body, and soul will easily transition into the role that is needed. When it’s time to be a best friend, you will be best friends and have deep, meaningful, heart to heart talks. And he will go “I can’t believe I’m telling my mother this” but it will come with ease because you’re being his best friend at that time because what he needs at that moment is a best friend, not a mother to judge him.
As for being a single mom and role model, every moment together is a teaching moment.
The world around us constantly presents opportunities and lessons and children watch everything! How we handle those moments and/or how we teach them to handle moments is what’s authentic to being a role model.
So how do I do it? I don’t do the roles. I trust moment to moment, what is meant to contribute to the moment, make the moment greater, grander or deeper, wider, more expansive, more loving.
I hope that helped. I’m still a work in progress, but this is what I teach people. And this is like the greatest gift to give yourself. It’s freedom. It’s total freedom and authenticity.