You may not view yourself as desperate and lonely but, if you think you’ve met the man of your dreams and are engaged in the perfect relationship after only nine days of meeting someone, you may need to rethink how you view yourself.
There are thousands of articles on Google (written by “Single Girl’s Therapist/Relationship Advisors”) as to what to do and what not to do when dating someone new.
I was married to my high school sweetheart and it was almost 20 years after we met that I ventured out into the dating world again. My experience dating as an adult, especially in the age of internet dating and social media, was very limited. It scared me tremendously but I knew that I didn’t want to be alone forever.
In the nine years since my divorce, I’ve had one serious relationship. We loved each other deeply and had a lot of fun together but alas it wasn’t meant to last forever and we parted ways. I’d spent the better part of a year mourning that loss, and reminding myself that he also lost me. It’s his loss to no longer have me in his life.
Venturing back out into the dating game:
I know I deserve to be loved and I have a lot of love to give so I ventured back out into the dating world. This time, I felt more ready to find “The One” and start building a relationship.
I had found myself, for the first time in nine years, gazing longingly at other couples walking through the park eating ice cream, holding hands, laughing, sharing kisses. I watched couples shopping and felt a longing to be planning a meal with my man and shopping for what we needed. I felt lonely falling asleep and waking up alone, hearing most of my friends whining about how often their husband needed sex and I longed for a man to want me that badly again, frequent, regular, and then fall asleep beside me.
So I started dating again and the list of losers I met grew longer. Issues galore; too desperate, too controlling, too selfish, too aloof, players dating multiple women at one time. My heart grew weary and I nearly gave up again.
Until I met him.
In walked “Mr. Perfect” and I jumped in with both feet:
Him. The one that immediately made my heart stand still when he got out of the car and hugged me. Him who was nothing but a gentleman, opening the car door for me, treating me to dinner, not wanting the evening to end and inviting me back to his place. His intention wasn’t to have sex with me but to spend more time in my presence , understanding me, laughing at my stories. The him who asked first if he could kiss me, before kissing me for the first time.
I ended up spending the week with him. By the time the week was over, we were intimate and it was amazing. It has become a whirlwind. He’s texting me Good Morning and Good Night. He texts mid-day to ask how my day is going. He is busy with work but wants to break away to spend time with me. I easily fall into his rhythm and begin to expect that things will continue to grow.
I’m excited and hopeful for the first time in a very long time. I deleted my dating profile; not because I want to get serious so fast but to respect him and to give this person I really like a fair chance without distraction.
Then real life set in, and I let me imagination and neediness get the best of me:
Then things start to change. He gets busy with work. He’s texting “his mother” on our date nights. (I don’t know if it really is his mother but past experience makes me a little curious, and anxious). His texting to me continues but not in the pace it was for the first week. I wonder if I am about to get dumped.
Meanwhile, because women think more in the future and men in the now, I’ve already envisioned introducing him to my kids, family, and friends. I think about what I can buy him for Christmas and vacations we’ll take together. I long to wake up beside him every morning and fall asleep spooned against him at night. I know it’s too soon for this but one can dream.
Because he’s pulled back slightly, I begin to mourn it, something I never even had.
In the meantime, I wonder, has he met someone else that he likes better? What’s she like? Was he texting her that night and telling me it was his mother? Why is it taking him so long to respond now? Is he telling her that I’m his mother when my texts come in? My pride says to end things now, but my heart and mind say to not react.
Then I question myself. Am I thin enough, pretty enough, funny enough, intelligent enough? Did I crowd him? Was I intimate with him too fast? Has he lost interest because it became less of chase for him? Did I say or do something to upset him? Is this even about me?
So I Googled for answers and every site has a different answer on how to catch and keep him. It’s confusing so I give up. Each site contradicting the other and when they’re not, they’re basically telling us women, that we are our own worst enemies and driving men away. That to “keep him” we have to live more in the NOW and that he has all the power and will be with us when and if HE feels that connection and need to be in a relationship. He holds all the power.
It’s exhausting.So I put down the phone and stop looking for the message bubble every minute in hopes that he finally responds to my text and fall sad and disheartened that it appears my dream guy has already been lost only nine days into the relationship.
One day the phone rings and it’s him “Sorry for the delay. I was ______. (Insert excuse here.)” I sigh with relief. Step back and tell myself to put on the brakes. It’s a new relationship and I’m moving too quickly. It isn’t him that has a problem, it’s me trying to put the cart before the horse!
You have to give it more than 9 days!!!
We single women aren’t crazy or desperate but I can say that we are planners. And, our need to plan can sometimes cause us to become too involved too quickly. Men and women think differently and we should celebrate that. For myself personally, I’ve felt I’ve wasted a lot of time with losers and want to move forward with someone amazing. I don’t want anyone to waste my time nor would I waste theirs. And let’s not forget, I don’t want to be hurt. I’m not insecure but I lack faith and I am impatient. When something feels good, I want more of that.
So all I can do is relax and breathe and think of every date with him as starting over, like a first date, no expectations. No commitments. No agenda. No pressure. Just relax and enjoy and hope that this potential frog turns into my Prince because I deserve it. I too can have the love I long for. Google Search – thanks, anyways.