Now that you are divorced, you may be having second thoughts because you still miss your ex. Even if you initiated it, you are not immune from this feeling. Maybe post-divorce is a bit lonelier than anticipated. There are ways to get through this period and confirm that your decision was the right one.
Try to differentiate between still missing your ex and missing being married.
Do you miss his qualities and characteristics specifically, or just being half of a duo? It is crucial to determine if this is more about losing a housemate, or rather him as an important person in your life. If your residence seems empty and you have to fill this void, that is not missing your ex as a person.
How should you manage if you truly miss his jokes, advice, and other sterling traits? Let some time pass and do not contact him. Your emotions are still raw and you need to heal first. This would be a good time to discuss your feelings with a divorce coach to clarify them. Was your ex extremely hurt or angry with the divorce? I know of some former couples who are good friends now but, took a long timeout after their breakups. This may be possible for you down the road.
My aunt divorced her long-time husband after he had an affair. She was devastated, but after a few years decided they were able to become really good friends. They ended up moving to Florida together and lived platonically in the same house. This roommate situation saved on costs, and logistically made it easier for their two adult sons to see them on their work vacations. Even the elderly cat was happier to be in the same household with them both. My aunt realized that she liked her former spouse as a person, but not as a husband. They remained close friends until their deaths.
I know a young couple who got married right after high school when she became pregnant. The marriage only lasted a few years because they were young and constantly pushed each other’s buttons. Years later they felt that they had matured and could not live without each other, and so remarried. Unfortunately, they got married again without addressing the issues that initially drove them apart. They had another child and later an explosive divorce. Do not even think of getting together again as a couple without some counseling first.
Do you really miss your former spouse or just the great sex? Do not become “friends with benefits.” This semi-attachment only delays moving on and getting over the divorce. It muddies the water if you meet someone wonderful, but are having a sexual tie to your ex-husband. Be totally available when looking for a new man.
It is natural for memory to gloss over the painful events and emphasize the good ones. You may be viewing your ex through rose-colored glasses, and not the way you perceived him in the past. This happened to me. I met my former fiancé at a party and clicked with this charming fellow immediately. I fell in love with his family too. After we dated for a while, he started belittling me and putting down my interests. I also discovered that he was a pathological liar and broke off our engagement. Over a year later I ran into him at a party and had a lot of fun, which reminded me of our initial meeting. Later that week we got together for coffee. When I told my horrified mother and friends, they gave me a firm reality check. If you are in this same situation with a toxic ex, listen to others and nip it in the bud, as I did.
Yes, people have remarried their exes and had happier marriages the second time around years or even a decade later, following much introspection. If you are considering getting back with your ex, be smart and have pre-marital counselling the second time around.
FAQs about Missing Your Ex After Divorce:
Why do I miss my ex after divorcing him?
It’s only natural to feel regret or miss your ex after divorce as you mourn and strive for normality in life. Many women say life after divorce is lonelier than they thought as they deal with the loss of companionship and their marital status. Once you successfully pass through this phase, you begin to feel sure that your decision of divorce was right for you.
Am I missing my marriage or my ex?
You have to separate fact from fiction in order to find out if you are missing your marriage or your ex spouse. Try finding out if you miss how your ex treated you when you were with him or is it the loss of marriage that upsets you more? If you find yourself feeling lonely and longing for company, it doesn’t mean you are missing your ex.
Is it possible for me to live with my ex?
You can live with your ex spouse under the same roof provided you both have the patience to tolerate each other after divorce. Such an arrangement has its own benefits as you can save on the cost of living, besides being able to save your adult children the trouble of visiting both of you separately.
Is it a bad idea to remarry my ex?
It is certainly a bad idea to remarry your ex without having sorted out the differences that led to your divorce in the first place. Some couples have made this mistake only to find out that their differences reappeared after some time to haunt them like before. Unless you get some counseling on issues that drove you apart earlier, you will end up making the same mistake twice.
Should I have sex with my ex?
You should not have sex with your ex unless you want to keep living in the past. You will not be able to move on in your life if you don’t completely cut off ties with your ex. You would not be able to meet someone totally amazing if you keep hanging on to a broken relationship.
Am I only the one who does not miss my ex husband of 14 years? I am trying to look it up but all I can find, women are missing their exes. I moved out in July 2015, just few months ago and every day was a celebration of life for me without my ex. The colors are brighter, the food is tastier, the bed is more comfortable, the mornings are greater, everything without him is better. I am living my life and loving it. So, why most women are crying online? What a sad picture I see. I am 43, no boyfriends, guys do not chase me, trust me and I am so happy, constantly. I only have bad dreams sometimes where I accept him back in my life and I wake up happy that it was only a dream.
I’m with you. I don’t miss my ex, but I have found plenty of men and women do. This article is for those people post-divorce who feel stuck on their ex and not moving on. Every day is like Christmas post-divorce for me. Some people wonder if they made a mistake by getting a divorce, when really it may be that they miss the companionship. Hopefully people will get to the point where you are now & enjoy their new lives.
I’m the one who had an affair and ruined my marriage. A Dr I worked for was a sexual predator and has ruined many marriages before mine. I did not know this. I was fresh in my career and very gullible. I learned the hard way about life. My ex was my best friend. Two children together we had everything in common. Married 14 yrs dated 5 before that since I was 17
I did get remarried but miss him terrible. He has found a another soulmate, someone he liked in school before me. So he is happy. I however married someone who feels more like a karma payback. We have nothing in common, and marriage to a 40 yr old bachelor he is very set in his ways. It’s not a partnership but now after 13 yrs with this man, I have to many health issues and will stay married because of financial issues. My children are grown and I have grandchildren now so divorcing would be selfish to me. I will always grieve my mistake and loss of a friend, lover and farther.
By the way the saying ” once a cheater always a cheater” is not true
My story is very similar. I feel the same. And you’re right. I’ve been single for 8 years now but he moved on within 3 months. I miss him.
We move on at different rates. What helps me is to keep looking ahead and to plan some fun activities and trips. Having something to look forward to, keeps life interesting. I wish you the best in moving forward. Wendi
I do miss my ex after 10 years divorced. I was the one that divorced him. He was angry as we had separated 5 years prior for 6 months after a trauma I had and I needed my time to recover. He didn’t really understand. I believe during that time my illness became worse, which affected our marriage.
We married right out of college. My mom and dad were against it. My illness made me depressed and anxious and tired all the time ( unbeknownst those were illness issues of symptoms) . That was a shroud over our marriage to say the least. I’ve tried to talk with him through the years but he wants nothing of it. When I was cured of my illness I was elated and wanted so much to talk with him. OH THE CHANGES!!
My ex moved on fairly quickly by marrying some one within a year of us divorcing … So he said- after 10 years of marriage and no kids… Oww…
I know I am not the same person I was when we divorced and I know round two would have been better. I always hope he’ll talk to me. Because I knew that I needed time. I loved him in a way he’ll never know. I still love him .
Juliana, If your ex was single, I’d suggest pursuing trying to make contact with him. Since he is married, and you still love him, there does not seem to be a happy ending. If you have a mutual friend, you might have that person pass on a message, that you are now cured of the illness which contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. Unless he becomes single again, you are not part of his life nor can expect that he will speak with you. Decide what is your motivation. Is it to break up his marriage or to pass on the information that you are now healthy and wish him well?
I missed the second chance to get back together with my former fiancé a few decades ago. Instead I married the wrong person & got divorced. Unfortunately we can’t undo the past. I wish you much luck in the future and moving on. Being very social with a good support system has helped me. Wendi
Thank you for your words Wendi, I did write him a letter and send it to his parents…. wherever it ended up…. No reply. That’s ok. At least I wrote it and I felt a weight lifted off.
Being in the military and moving I didn’t create a friend base so there was no support to bounce off of and my parents were unsupportive.
Sorry you missed your opportunity but but glad you had a friend base ! Hope the present and future are positive 🙂
Juliana, Another path is by joining the global organization MeetUp.com There have local groups in many locales and it is a great way to meet others. The groups are for various interests. I am in “the girlfriend’s” one and we go out for lunch. A divorced friend is in a hiking one. For example, The Divorce Club in London is fantastic and is a MeetUp.com one. Please check it out
Thanks for the meet up.com suggestion.
I feel lucky to have found this article. I am about to get divorced, but am having second thoughts, as my STBX is a very good man, we are just not compatible, great friends he and I are and we have great kids, i just crave autonomy. He is the type who will move on quickly and someone will be very happy to have found him. Reading everyone’s posts here I’m wondering if it’s worth a try to attempt to patch up something. Even if we don’t have a traditional marriage and he gave me lots of space. Thanks in any event for creating a reflection.
Crave autonomy?! That is absolutely what I wanted and got… And 10 years later still have my autonomy with no word from my ex.
Luna, I feel healthy and happy for my choice and I struggled with ‘do I stay or go’ at the same time and I felt leaving was the best choice looking back. I would have never met all the people I’ve met, or traveled to the places I’ve gone or grown into the positive person i am.I Sometimes we have to evolve away from a person…I love me in my 40s more than I was when I was in my 20s that’s for sure!!
Have you talked to your ex as to how you may feel more autonomous but still be married? Though it sounds like the marriage might have run its course and you are evolving away from who you used to be?
Luna, bet you are right that your ex would move on quickly. Consider talking with a life coach or counsellor to make sure that you are making the right choice. You can pause your divorce proceedings while you think things over. Getting a divorce when you are undecided can lead to having regrets the rest of your life.
I miss my ex husband of nearly 25 years. Some days are really hard and I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.
Monica, what is normal anyway? It’s ok to have reminiscent thoughts. A choice was made and life moved on. Right? You both loved and life changed , you both changed. I know, it hurts. I still hurt from the choice I made. Silly hormones and emotions I say !
Monica, it is normal to think about people whom we used to be close to in the past. The good and bad thing about memory is this. Our memory tends to gloss over the bad stuff and remembers what was wonderful, more vividly. One can forget the annoying things that drove us apart. Instead, we relive what was happy in former relationships. I find that distraction helps when I start dwelling in the past.
Me too. I know your pain xx
Wow! Wendi and Julianna I really appreciate the time you took to respond to me. It’s been 3 years of living together while separated, living platonically for the kids. so I just feel that kind of says a lot that over that time we’ve been able to be roomies, but I have had no feelings of more. I would never be able to get my deepest need met, of needing to Just “go” wherever and whenever I wanted; though I know I’ll lose much, I’ll honor me. I suspect I might always think “what if” but I also feel a sense of long desired freedom. And I”m willing to live with that.
Luna!
Let me cut and paste what you wrote:
…though I know I’ll lose much, I’ll honor me. I suspect I might always think “what if” but I also feel a sense of long desired freedom. And I”m willing to live with that…
You are? This is life. This is YOUR life (and your kids). How would it be for your kids to see a happier mom because she got her needs met by empowering herself with the freedom she needs? We only have one shot at it! Each heart beat, make it count.
I wish I could have worked WITH my ex but I felt caged and I had to leave . I felt like a jekyl and Hyde which was not fair to him. I know I saved my sanity, but I wish we could have talked it more out – though I think back to that time and I did everything I could to stop it and myself was convinced leaving was the only way. So he said I could never come back. I didn’t negotiate. But I so wanted to. It was usually what he said I took as final… No amount of us seeking counseling together helped.ah to look back at my younger self. …
I am a happier me now, it was a chance I had to take of fear and loss for me to grow and creating me.
In any case, take care of you. Don’t sink!
In addition, you have the power of communication with you on what your needs are. I wave the magic wand in front of you ….
Thanks R Juliana!
in a study done by the divorce charity Resolution, 82% of kids said that they would rather have their parents split up and be happy, and not stay together for their sake. Could yours be in that group? Kids take notice of our actions more than they do words. Are you showing them that it is better to be in a loveless relationship to please someone else, instead of being happy? Would you want them to do this as adults. If you are living together for the sake of the kids, maybe think this over again.
I agree with said statement ^^.
I miss my ex, its been 2 years and i havent moves on.
Neither has he. We love each other but i cant get iver the hurt he caused me by cheating and habing no remorse over it.. we argue whennwe see each other, he wants me to act like it didnt happen and i cant because i feel my feelings count. We were marries 26 years and i truly loved him. Our kids rather see us separate due to us arguing.. just once i wish he would see what he did to me and our marraige. .the trust is gone.. he lied to me too much and he continues to lie. Why do i feel so stuck..
Im not attracted to no one.. i dont want to date.. in sad.. and i miss him so nuch
I think you said it yourself, read your words; “you’re stuck” Have to think of ways to get unstuck. Focus on self. go to therapy. You’ll get unstuck, just have to be proactive.
I have been divorced for 2 years. I cry a lot when I think about our life we had together. Why do I cry? I can’t stand him, hearing is voice even bothers me. But I’m always crying, especially when he brings up having a dream about me. I don’t know why I am not over our divorce. We had a horable marriage, he was abusive from the start. He wasn’t always abusive, but a few times a year we would have a huge fight and he would end up hurting me. He was military and gone about every year and a half. He cheated on me with his 1st wife, and in the end I cheated on him. Both my Ex and I moved on very quick, we moved on before we were even divorced. We both moved in the people we were dating within 6 months of being divorced. My Ex got married over the summer to the women he got with when we split up, I am engaged, to the man I got with after we spit up. Sometimes I think that the only reason I got engaged was because my Ex got engaged. My fiancé is a great man, but I’m not really attracted to him, we don’t have anything uncommon, and he irritates me often.. I wish I wouldn’t have moved in so quickly. I wish that I could have taken time to heel. Here I am 2 years out from my divorce, and I am still not over it.. Why do I cry? Do I miss the fake marriage? Do I miss him? I know a lot of what I am feeling is because I don’t have my kids with me everyday… I just wish I could turn back time, because living in our unhappy marriage was better then living like I am now.
I’m in the middle of a divorce…that i filed. We were together 3yrs before we married and the 1st year was great. Then my husband lost his job and got in to drugs really bad.He was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder while we were engaged and I loved him so much I was willing to help in sickness and health. But the disease and drug addiction was danger. so the last 2 yrs we separated a lot. And i took him back alot. But now it has gotten extremely dangerous to be with him, so I filed a divorce. However, I do miss him….i love him but i can’t be with him!
Hi Melissa, You answered your own question that you can’t be with him and that he is dangerous. Instead of focusing on your loss, be pro-active and fill this void. Meet new people, do activities you enjoy and connect with others. I found volunteering and joining groups and clubs helped to fill any gaps in my life.
My husband and I have been married for four years. During the four years of marriage, my husband has abruptly moved out four times (abandoned me). Each time I was utterly devastated and grieved until he returned (a couple of months). I missed him to the point of being sick. A few months ago I recognized those ugly and unpleasant signs that he was going to leave again — this time I asked him for a divorce. He moved out but insisted we remain friends. We kept in touch and decided to put the divorce on hold. I missed him so much I was happy to do so. We had Thanksgiving dinner together. A few days later, I found out he lied about living with his female friend (who was the source of my suspicion and many arguments) at least one time while we were separated. I had a moment of clarity and moved forward with the divorce process. He did not apologize and signed the divorce agreement. Since we are no longer friends and our marriage is over, I wake up crying every morning and cry myself to sleep. I miss him and wanted us to grow old together. I initiated the divorce and hate myself for doing so. He promised he would never leave again, and to be honest he was on a long streak of commitment. I just got scared when he started showing signs of detachment. I proactively asked him to move out. When I discovered I was lied to, I became fed up and asked for a divorce, but I miss him so much, and I hate that I asked for something I didn’t want — a divorce.
I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation and the pain you are experiencing. You may want to talk to a life coach or counsellor to clarify your situation and help you to move on. During divorce, interim monetary support is given and this helped me during this life transition. it sounds like you have reached your limit with a guy who is not going to stay committed to your relationship. He makes empty promises and this hurts. I wish you the best and the strength to move on to a happier life. A Women in Transition class at our community college helped me get through my divorce.
Thank Wendi for your response, and for having this platform for women to share our stories and support each other!
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I met my husband when I was 18 – he was 19. I had a 1 yr old son when we met and he was very stand offish due to that fact and that he had been hurt by a prev gf. We dated for 4 yrs before we got engaged and in that 4 yrs we had a lot of ups n downs. I was so in love with him that he could do and say anything to me and I would forgive him. I would be working 2 jobs and going to school and still I felt like I had to be better for myself and to prove to him I was good enough to be with. Finally he proposed in the 4th yr of dating. That following year we were married and had another baby and he lost his job so our lives were up n down. I never doubted our love though. We were married 20 yrs together 25 yrs and I left him a year ago as he had an affair with a co worker approx 10 yrs ago and I could not let it go. He drank a lot n would become verbally abusive. I was diagnosed bi polar with maniac depressive traits. He would keep saying he wished I was healthy and normal. As i said i left a yr ago and i felt that i was doing great until now. Our house is being sold and the divorce papers are to be signed. I know deep in my heart that we fought a lot in our 25 yrs but when the alcohol wasnt there we really truly were best friends and now i am so devastated. I dont know if i can go through with this. We have broken up and got back together a few times so i dont want to have a repeat. I just want to be a 44 yr old woman who is happy.
I met my husband when I was 18 – he was 19. I had a 1 yr old son when we met and he was very stand offish due to that fact and that he had been hurt by a prev gf. We dated for 4 yrs before we got engaged and in that 4 yrs we had a lot of ups n downs. I was so in love with him that he could do and say anything to me and I would forgive him. I would be working 2 jobs and going to school and still I felt like I had to be better for myself and to prove to him I was good enough to be with. Finally he proposed in the 4th yr of dating. That following year we were married and had another baby and he lost his job so our lives were up n down. I never doubted our love though. We were married 20 yrs together 25 yrs and I left him a year ago as he had an affair with a co worker approx 10 yrs ago and I could not let it go. He drank a lot n would become verbally abusive. I was diagnosed bi polar with maniac depressive traits. He would keep saying he wished I was healthy and normal. As i said i left a yr ago and i felt that i was doing great until now. Our house is being sold and the divorce papers are to be signed. I know deep in my heart that we fought a lot in our 25 yrs but when the alcohol wasnt there we really truly were best friends and now i am so devastated. I dont know if i can go through with this. We have broken up and got back together a few times so i dont want to have a repeat. I just want to be a 44 yr old woman who is happy. Is this normal? Should I have tried harder? Should I try again? He is a great provider and a nice man without the alcohol. I’m so lost
Dee,
You said that he is a nice man without the alcohol. Since it looks like he is choosing to drink, then it is out of your control. You can’t change someone else, only yourself. When you gotten back together again and again, the problems were still there. It would be helpful to talk to a professional who can give you the support to make permanent break. Some clinics offer free counselling. I saw a counsellor for free at our local center. Something to consider.
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