I believe I owe you an apology, so here I am in front of the world telling you that I am sorry. I should not have written that letter last week. It was hurtful and mean and I was angry, and I should never have done it. You were not my Ex-Husband’s mistress, and you regretted what you did, and you were willing to share your thoughts, and I was a bitch. If I could take it back, I would. I am sorry.
My life has really been messed up since the affair, pregnancy, STD, and scandal in a week. As it turned out, the baby was never going to be because it was stuck in my ovary. I ended up in surgery at the hospital with my family, but no Ex-Husband there for support.
This divorce process is so lonely. There are people everywhere, but I just can’t connect. Friends don’t understand what I am going through, even though they are well-meaning, and talking to a counselor is helpful but not enough. How can the world feel so cloudy, scary, and uncertain when I once thought that I had everything figured out?
Like you, I have been dealing with the ups and downs of this painful divorce rollercoaster that never ends. One moment I want to kill my Ex-Husband; the next minute, I wish he were home and things were the same as they used to be; before he destroyed my trust, our family, the life we were living. There are moments when I burst into tears for no reason and times when I have wished to be buried in a hole and never come out. There are other times when Ex-Husband hugged me goodbye and it turned into a kiss that I regretted later.
But I am here. I am living and I am trying to be there as a mom for my boys. You are doing the same.
I know you are probably living in some of the same hell as me. I know that your hell is different because it is wracked with guilt and my hell stings with betrayal, surprise, and trust issues. But, any way you look at it, we are both in pain and trying to claw our way out any way we can.
You were brave to put yourself out there with your article. It takes guts to admit when you make a mistake and to be willing to learn from it. Your article helped me reflect on the end of my marriage and really see that it was Ex-Husband, not his mistress, which caused the downfall of my life. I always said I blamed him, but in my heart, I didn’t. I blamed the ghost of a woman who I still haven’t met, who hangs around with my kids now, and doesn’t have the guts to sit down and have a conversation with me.
If you hadn’t written your articles and been willing to speak, then it may have taken me longer to truly internalize that it was my ex-best friend, my Ex-Husband, the father of my children who threw away my trust and broke our life. You article allowed me to grow, and heal a bit inside, even if it was super painful for me to read at the time.
So, again, I am really sorry for my words. I wish neither of us was in this position and that one day we will wake up and we will be proud to be ourselves again, content in our role in life, and find fulfillment in our families, no matter what form they take or what they look like.