My divorce is finally final. (I still hate saying the D word.) It’s been going on for an embarrassingly long amount of time and I don’t even know why. But here we are. I have thought about this moment many times and figured that I wouldn’t be phased by it. I’ve been living this separated life for a few years now, so I thought once the divorce was final it wouldn’t be anything different. In a way, I was glad it took a long time because I hoped that when the time came, it would just be like any other day.
I was wrong. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I got a text from the ex that read “check your email.” I thought, what now?! I checked…nothing. I texted back and asked, “about what?” I was scared. I never know when he’s going to drop some big bomb on me. He texted back and said, “it’s final.” I cried. Not for long, but I did. I wasn’t expecting that on that day.
I had to stop myself because I was at work and tears were just flowing down my face. I don’t know why. I thought I had already grieved, and mourned the end of my marriage. I was finally in acceptance and recovery mode. I was living my life.
I have a nice place to live.
I am very involved in the kids’ lives, and in their school.
I have a great group of friends, and don’t have anyone to nag me or tell me what a horrible human being I am, and how everything I do is wrong, or not quite up to par.
I was finding my inner strength and my peace after years of being beaten down.
Then why did I have that unsettling feeling? Maybe it just opened everything up again for those few minutes. Maybe, despite me knowing what a difficult narcissistic human being he is, I thought that miracles do happen, and somehow he will come to his senses and realize that he was wrong. (Yes, I know, I should know better) But I do believe in God, and that God can change people’s hearts. After all, I prayed a lot for my family. My one big wish was for me to have my family again. MY family.
The family I dreamt about since I was a little girl.
The family I finally had that he took away from me.
Now with a simple signature, and those two words…”it’s final.” It closed the door and locked it forever. My past now is wrapped up and closed. The future awaits.
What have I gained in these last few years? I have gained friendships that I never would have had. I have gained a confidence that I finally found after struggling my whole life. I have gained inner strength that I didn’t know existed, and an unbreakable bond with God that I am so thankful for. I have also gained the right to tell my kids that they can face any fear that they have, and if they tell themselves they can do it, then they can.
After all, their mom did it. If you had told me that I would be a single mom of two pre-school aged twins, I would have said “no way, I can’t do it.” But I did. My kids were only 4 when their lives turned upside down. I had to figure everything out for them myself. But it is daunting to take care of two little kids all by yourself. It took faith and courage, and I am very grateful my kids get to see that as an example for them when they face their own hardships in life. They got a very early dose of life’s reality. Life doesn’t always go as planned, and you will face obstacles and disappointments along the way.
While he is off celebrating and partying with his new girlfriend, and new found friends, I am holding down the fort with the kids, and my own emotional well-being. After all, homework still needs to get done, and dinner still needs to get prepared. Life goes on.
When I see his life compared to mine, it looks like he has completely moved on. New friends, new girlfriend, new life completely, with a sprinkle of taking care of the kids thrown in there when he doesn’t have any other plans. But I have moved on in my own way. From the inside, I am a different person The other difference is that I had the kids at the forefront of my world, not me
I still have my moments, though. Moments of shock did this really happen to me The shock that my marriage didn’t last, that I failed at something this serious.
It’s daunting at times to know that I have to live with being divorced for the rest of my life. That my kids are being raised in a way that I don’t like, not to mention living with the fact that I couldn’t give them a unified family unit. We all hope to give our kids even more than what we had, and I couldn’t give them the basic thing that I had growing up which was one home. They have two homes with two sets of rules and two very different ways of life It’s like they are constantly going back and forth between two worlds. It’s very hard for me as their mother to come to peace with. I am doing my best, however, to give them a happy home and a happy childhood when they are with me.
I do look back from time to time. Something I am learning to do less and less because I know focusing on that won’t get me anywhere. I have to learn from the mistakes I made and move forward with my life. I have no regrets. I did the best I could and I gave it my all. Looking ahead, my goal for my future is for me to find true happiness from within. To find happiness in simply knowing I lived my life with high standards, and that I raised two self-sufficient, independent, loving, caring individuals. I hope and pray that this is finally the beginning of that journey.