So here I am. Exactly where I didn’t want to be. Growing up I made sure to do everything differently than my parents because I really didn’t want to end up like them. But life has a different plan for me.
Someone once told me that people strive for the three “Ms” and I had them. Marriage (as of 2002), Mortgage (as of 2006) and Munchkins (2007 and 2012). Now the first M has been destroyed, I will be losing the second in a few months and that only leaves me with the Munchkins who I am desperately trying not to damage because of the situation we now find ourselves in.
Let me back up. Six days after our twelve year wedding anniversary and six days before Valentine’s day my husband who I have known for 14 years advised me that he is gay. I was floored. For the next 30 minutes all I could say was “Oh my God.” It was the worst night of my life. I suddenly realized that my world was crumbling, the man I thought I knew was no longer.
The first couple days were really rough. We had decided to not say anything to anyone until we figured out what we were going to do. This included not telling our parents, for the time being. So on Monday we both went to work and he told his parents on the phone on the way there. I spoke with my Mom but said nothing because that is what we agreed on. I did speak to my boss because he is gay and it turns out he did essentially the same thing to his wife and kids after 13 years of marriage. It gave me a bit of hope because they stayed together in the same house for a year afterwards.
Later, when I got home, GH (gay husband) tells me that he told his parents and his boss. I blew a gasket. We had agreed to wait! This was the first in a string of lies and broken promises that have littered my life since February. This was completely out of character for him.
Now I know that no one wants separation or divorce in their life or worse yet for their children. But I really don’t want it. I am the product of a separated family from the 70s. My parents were the pioneers! They were one of the first generations to permanently do damage to their kids by splitting up and then subjecting their kid to bi weekly visitation, being the go between and the enormous tension between them whenever they had to be in the same room.
I never want my kids to live that and even though I know what not to do, just the fact that a separation will occur and that they will not have access to both their parents kills me. I am told that children are resilient and that they will adjust. Sorry, I call BS on that one.
My GH on the other hand had a “normal” family. His parents have been married for some 40 years and have had their ups and downs but have stayed together. They had 3 children, the first whom they gave up for adoption, but that is another story, and then my brother in law and my GH. So my hubby has no idea what splitting up a family feels like, at all. The toughest thing he had to deal with was switching cities every couple of years and an anger problem that saw him stab his brother in the hand.
I think the thing that bothers me the most about this whole thing is that before we got married I asked my GH if there was a chance that he was gay. Why, you ask? He was a musician, he has certain effeminate qualities, he gets very emotional (i.e. cries at movies, etc.), he likes ABBA. His brother, whom I worked with at the time, had said he thought that GH was gay, but this was way before I had even met him or started dating him. I even asked my gay best friend if GH set off his gaydar. I asked because I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting on a sinking ship.
He said “no.” He said he had one experience in University and he didn’t enjoy it, so no he was definitely not gay. When the bomb went off, I reminded him of this. He says he wasn’t ready to admit it to himself yet and that he was sorry.
Later he tells me that he came out to his parents as bisexual when he was in University. This is something I would have like to have known. It would have changed my decision, which is probably why he didn’t tell me. When I brought it up to his parents, they said they don’t remember…RIGHT…my sister is a lesbian and I can bet you that my father remembers every second about the time she told him. You don’t forget an announcement like that. His parents were doing a happy dance because he married a woman. Oh the tangled web we weave.
At this point it has been 5 months. We have told our families and a select number of friends. My GH has told several people at work and doesn’t understand why I don’t tell more people. I have decided that he is a tool. We are currently in couples counseling, not because we want to save our marriage but because we want to proceed in the most amicable way possible. This is a bit hard because I am really angry, which I have every right to be, but my GH; thanks to the counselor of his gay dad’s group, thinks I should be over it by now.
We don’t really know what is going to happen now. We are preparing the house for sale, we need to pay off our joint debt, but where are we going to live? Not sure. We have talked about nesting, about sharing custody, about not sharing custody, about buying a house and having him live in the basement. I really want to move back to the city I came from but he wants to stay here. So there is a lot of stuff up in the air.
So that is where I am in a nutshell. Living the dream. If the dream were holding a crumbling building apart with you hands. I’m sure the silver lining is there somewhere I just can’t see it right now.