How long did it take you to stop missing me, to become indifferent regarding me? Is this common in open relationships to be disposed and forgotten so easily? Apparently yes, from what I’ve read on hundreds of posts in the hundreds of hours I’ve spent trying to understand polyamory and open relationships. Trying to get a handle on my jealousy and insecurities so that I could be as “evolved” as you and your open relationship tenured partner. Heartbreak is rampant. Women falling victim to the sanctions of the jealous wife who feels you are now too close. We are many. So why do I feel so alone?
There are dozens of inherent flaws in such relationships. But taking ownership of my own part, perhaps, is my bad karma coming back to me like a boomerang as it tends to do. I guess it’s like how I walked out on my ex-husband, right? How you stopped loving me.
It’s ok, I don’t fully blame you. It’s me. I was never someone that was easy to love obviously. My mother always said I was a difficult one.
Since you’ve left, I’ve come full circle and reverted back to the girl I was before I met you almost five years ago. Jaded. Cynical. Good only for sex, not at all lovable.
But, babe, our love was a fairy tale, me the lady, you the prince (or my god, Dionysus). But not all fairytales have happy endings. I was Cinderella for a brief moment. But now I’m back to sweeping the cinder from the stairs in my tattered gown and sad eyes, void of all hope.
It was just a dream and now I’m awake again while you thrive like nothing happened, happy and fulfilled. We recognize each other distantly, like a faint memory, a shadow of memory peeking through a haze of amnesia. But we are strangers where we were once the most passionate of lovers, the best of friends.
I’m envious of your resilience. I wish I had that.
I guess this is like when my incumbent left you, you reached out to her and she refused, said your pain wasn’t her problem. My pain isn’t your problem either. You are indifferent to me now where I was once your “perfect woman.” I was the one you held tightly with tears in your eyes, begging me not to leave you, to have patience, you would fix things. I trusted you. I believed you. I was naïve.
At least you and your partner are happy. Two out of three isn’t bad and you are the only two that mattered in this ‘open relationship’ anyway.
I was just her understudy, a placeholder, as she was always the star. Understudies are a dime a dozen. Stars are forever.
You say that your partner continues to struggle with “our mistakes” (conveniently not her own) but, honestly, I don’t know why she would still struggle. We all know who is really important now. And not only am I valued as less than her, but now less than every other girl before or after me. Being less than her wasn’t enough, I have to be worth less than everyone in the entire world.
That’s not “just circumstance,” as you say. That’s soul shattering and heart-crushing and I don’t know how I can ever fully heal knowing I was once so valuable and now I’m nothing to the one person who mattered to me. I am not a circumstance; I am a person, a person you’ve forgotten. Now I am nothing.
I’m sorry I react poorly to that. I’ve never felt discarded like trash before. It’s a new feeling. It’s just so hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to accept. That my fate was removed from my hands and into the hands of one who made it clear that she was insecure and jealous over and despised me with a vengeance. To realize you have no control in your fate is unsettling; judged, sentenced and executed without a word in your own defense is tragic. In her eyes, and in her words, I was a “pest to be eradicated and exterminated. A worthless nobody, delusional to think you could be loved.”
C’est la vie. Her word as gospel, and you as her faithful disciple / henchman. This battle has been as radical as any faith-based war on the planet, only I’m the sole casualty.
She may not have her health or a job or friends or family, but at least her heart is full. I’m just empty now. A full heart is what is important. The rest is just survival.
I appreciate all that you did and how hard you tried for as long as you did. I recognize you went through a lot at home because of the love we shared. While I’m grateful for being able to share in those experiences and benefit so much from them, I also feel regret that I brought anything but happiness to your life. For that, I sincerely apologize as it was never my intention.
Thank you for loving me when you did, as much as you did. The struggles I’ve had to let go are a direct indication of the power of what we shared and the loss it is to me. Sometimes it’s a blessing, sometimes it’s a curse. As they say “How lucky I was to have someone who was so hard to say goodbye to.”
Despite the anger and pain and sadness I face, I do wish you well and that you continue to find peace in your life. Don’t beat yourself up too much. You did all that you could for both her and I. It was her who refused to be pleased.
The time I spent with you I will never regret. You were my lover and it was beautiful. I will miss you forever. Forever is a long time.
I’ll set you free and move on as you wish. Pen pals are overrated. There is no need for further contact. I’ll be fine. Best of luck with my future replacement. She’s going to need it.