There isn’t a person that hasn’t had a moment when they felt like they just couldn’t get ‘it’ working. That time when a confidence or physical issue inhibited performance or durability.
When this occurs, the effects can range from temporary frustration to complete and permanent withdrawal. In most cases, the withdrawal is from males, unwilling to come to grips with the reality that these things just happen. What’s particularly devastating in this withdrawal is the subsequent self-esteem hit it puts on his partner and the utter loss of intimacy – in both the verbal and physical sense – from that point forward.
Am I taking the effects a bit too far? Perhaps. I certainly know that it’s not always permanent and I understand it’s not always males that carry a performance issue too far but as with all of my articles, I am talking to the more frequent issue. Women are emotional, psychological and physical. I hammer this point home all the time. The emotional and psychological components give way to women being more invested, more patient and, frankly, more likely to be hurt in the relationship. This is especially true if/when sex has already occurred. Women are drawn in on an emotional level far more often and sooner than men. The touch, the desire, the feeling of being beautiful and wanted; there’s so much more than just the actual act of sex for women. I just wish men knew this. I especially wish men knew this when they were physically frustrated or embarrassed. When performance issues abound, it is the thought and touch that counts.
- When you know you’re just not feeling it, then you need to feel them. And I mean that literally. Embrace them. Ravage them with every other part of you that, in that moment, is working or motivated.
- When you know you’re just not feeling it, then you need to verbally massage them. And I mean that literally. Talk to them while you stroke them. Remind them how much you care about them. Say things that tell them there are things to you, and to you two as a couple, that are bigger than a temporary performance issue.
- How are they supposed to feel attractive or wanted otherwise?
- Are you really going to get your confidence back by holding out and holding back in every other physical and verbal way?
- Are you considering the long term damage that can (and does) occur when this happens even once, let alone on a more frequent basis?
I know I’m sounding like a Viagra commercial and, quite honestly, I got part of my idea for writing this article from one. I then saw Michael Fassbender portray a sex addict in ‘Shame’. There was a scene in the movie where his character has a performance issue and completely shuts down. His would be companion leaves the room embarrassed and hurt and he spirals out of control. Again, I know that’s not always what happens but I know plenty of clients and friends for that matter that have fallen into the no-intimacy zone because of confidence issues that started small and escalated. It does not need to spiral. It doesn’t even have to register. Think about the 200 other ways to say you yearn for them and they mean something to you. Think about how moot a point it would be to them if you immediately went into a massage or a roll in the shower with them. To be frank and put myself out there, I’ve certainly been in this situation, and I didn’t let is become an issue. I improvised and all was well with the world.
Let me conclude by stating that awareness, confidence, unselfishness and vulnerability are at the heart of this issue.
- You’re confident and vulnerable enough to not default to embarrassment and withdraw because you know there are other things in your quiver. Confidence in the health of your relationship comes into play when you don’t start questioning the damage that could occur by a mere temporary performance issue.
- You’re aware enough to know other things that can float your partners boat and you’re unselfishness enough to act on it instead of wallowing in your own sorrow.
Remember, it’s the thought and touch that counts!