Facebook asked me “What’s on your mind?” I posted this picture of the angel crying. My friend Lynda who I haven’t seen since high school commented, “Why so sad?”
I sent her a private message. Having to make very difficult decisions. I thought this marriage was so fun and full of such hope and working together but my husband has made so many bad business decisions and he is so broken. I’ve stood by each mistake and I am realizing that he will never change. I have to change and it’s breaking my heart.
When I left Dave I was leaving a cheater and overall jerk. When I left Charlie I left a huge ass with a great job so I didn’t feel sorry for him. If I leave again I leave someone I truly love and care about but who can only help himself and I have to do the same. I’m very conflicted. Thanks for asking.
She wrote back. Love …true love is rare.. and if he also returns that love….he will hear YOU and together he will listen… I hope you guys find your way… prayers! Then she attached this motivational piece by Robert Paul Gilles, Jr.
“To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring; It means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off… It’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.”
As I read each word I sobbed. I knew I had to let go but I didn’t want to. It was decision time right now and I had to make one. We were staying with my daughter and looking for a new home. He was so broken but I was willing to stand by him. My daughter gave me an option. She said you can move out with him or you can stay with me as long as you like. But he is moving out.
Wow, I hadn’t yet thought that way. I had a life line. I had my daughter. I listened to her. I listened to her advice this time. She said she couldn’t stand the way he was treating me. She said she was done with him. She said I deserved better. She said she would not tolerate the way he speaks to me in her home.
That night I listened to the way he spoke to me. I heard the words and the tone. I didn’t make any excuses for him. My daughter was right. I made my decision. I told him that he would be moving out and he would be moving out alone. Three days later he did just that. I helped him pack. There was no fight and there was no anger. Just sadness.
The next day my son called me and asked me to go to church with him on Sunday. I hadn’t been in years. I used to love church and I thought it was just what I needed. That week the message was Matthew 8:23-27. “And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him. And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep. And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish. And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!”
My mind was made up. I would turn away from my fears. I would spend no time worrying about anything. I would turn towards my faith in God and in myself. I thanked God for all the good I had and everyday since I have concentrated on looking forward. Baby steps and small bites.
I kept busy and started to recover slowly. It hit me one day while doing chores around the house, I was listening to one of my favorite CD’s. Bonnie Raitt, Luck of the Draw track #3. “I can’t make you love me if you don’t. You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.” Wow. Is it that simple? He honestly doesn’t love me. Duh! I deserve to be loved and need to spend my time with people who want to spend their time with me. It still hurts but everyday I see things more clearly.
A few months later facebook asked what’s on my mind and I posted this.
“What’s on my mind fb asks? An epiphany. As many of my friends know I was devastated a few months ago by my separation from my husband. Two months before we separated I had one of those dreams that stay with you. I dreamt my husband looked me straight in the face and said, ‘you are like one of those stupid birds that are let out of the cage and land right back on their owners heads.’ Yesterday that little voice inside me said, ‘get up from your desk and walk next door to the public library and get Jonathan Livingston Seagull.’ I had read it as a child and it always stayed with me as a book I loved but didn’t really remember it’s meaning. So, I got it and read it. It’s only 40 pages. I couldn’t remember why I loved it so much until I got to the 37th page. ‘Why is it,’ Jonathan puzzled, “that the hardest thing in the world is to convince a bird that he is free, and that he can prove it for himself if he’d just spend a little time practicing?’ Wow. That was it. I was free.”
All I have to do is practice what is right for me.