I read all the articles on what not to do during a divorce and I do the complete opposite. I try, boy do I try. But it is so hard.
I am having a rough time dealing with the fact that my marriage is over. My son was 5 months old when Pap first discussed his unhappiness.
What type of person does this to someone they vowed to love till death parted? At first he stated he was depressed. Later, he clarified, and stated he was just depressed because of our situation. What effing situation? I just had our son and now you want out?
I researched depression in men. I did all I could to be supportive. Wrong…wrong…. wrong. I should have kicked him out right then and there. If only I was that strong.
I went back to work 2 weeks before the big talk. I was still breastfeeding and pumping 2-3 times a day at work. My mom watched the kiddo during the day. I was a pile of emotions. Thank goodness I did not suffer post-partum. My mom says I probably did a bit brought on by my caring husband.
I did not foresee us at this point in our lives, two months away from a finalized divorce. I was optimistic. We did not have a bad marriage. We were great friends. We just had our first child. I thought it was lack of sleep, hormones, mid-life crisis, or personal issues for Pap cause he is adopted. Anything, but that this is the beginning of the end of my marriage.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda….kicked his ass to the curb then. Say eff you and your so-called issues. We are a supposed to be a team and you are not acting like a team player. A new baby in a house is stressful to anyone. There is no reason to hide now. But that is what exactly he did.
Then I think should I have pressed him harder. Should I have told him to man up. I went the “I’ll be there for you” route. We can get through this mumbo jumbo. Crap, crap and more crap.
I don’t know why my marriage is ending. He says he is not “in love” with me anymore. He says there is “no passion”. No sh*t, Sherlock. You have been spending your time watering another man’s grass.
He says we have “unresolvable” issues. WTF is that? I am the same person you loved so much when we first married (to a degree – motherhood and dealing with divorce crapola with do a number on ya), but now who I am to the core is not for you. BS!!
I try not to think so negatively all the time. Let’s just say I am so tired of lemonaide. Can a girl get some pomagrante juice or something once in a while?
Today I am sad. So utterly sad. I am realizing, slowly, there was nothing I could have done to save my marriage. He changed or he stopped living a lie. Not sure which one it is. I do know that he just did not want this marriage anymore. He gave up before I even had a chance to say let’s make it work.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am going to try really hard to be thankful. A good friend of the family just passed away from cancer, so for one, I will be thankful for our health.
But today, I will be sad. Today, I am doing what all the articles say not to do…look back and wonder why? Question what I could have done differently. Today I am suffering from the woulda, coulda, shoulda blues.