Being in a relationship with a narcissist is confusing, disorienting and emotionally damaging.
We normally think of a ‘relationship’ as a two-way bond between two human beings, who support, love and nurture each other. This is not the case when in a relationship with a narcissist. I should know as I survived a marriage to one – just.
The term ‘Narcissist,’ is a shortened term as stated in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association for the classification of mental disorders, where it refers to Narcissists as – ‘Narcissist Personality Disorder,’ NPD for short.
The most important issue of being in a relationship with a Narcissist is not understanding your partner is a Narcissist. Once you have reached this understanding, everything will begin to make sense. However, my personal advice, and I am not a doctor or therapist of any kind, would be to RUN as far and as fast as you can. Yes, the psychiatry books say Narcissists can be healed through extensive psychotherapy, but as one who was married to one, I don’t believe this to be possible, unless your partner is on the extreme low end of the ‘spectrum,’ as NPD is a spectrum diagnosis.
One important factor in NPD is understanding that your partners were not born this way, unlike sociopaths. They have, through some experience in their childhood become a narcissist for self-protection and self-preservation. Whatever the cause, the fact is you and your insurmountable amounts of love, cannot change them.
I am releasing in mid-January a program to ‘FREE yourself from a Narcissist,’ and the first module focuses on understanding who they are and why they become Narcissists. I feel this is the most important part of my program, as it eradicates hate, it removes blame from yourself that you feel ‘if only I was thinner, skinnier, prettier, more educated, more of everything, then the relationship would be ok?’ NO, NO NO. It wouldn’t matter if you were the most perfect human on this planet, your partner would still find fault with you. They would still feel superior to you and you would most importantly still be in a miserable relationship.
From one who was in a marriage to a narcissist without realizing, not even when I was ‘Discarded,’ the most common signs that should flag BIG RED warnings are as follows:
- They are extremely reluctant to make changes to any schedule that will affect ‘Their schedule.’ However, if it’s your schedule that needs to change, that’s just a no-brainer – you DO IT!
- When you have an argument or plans go wrong, it is NEVER their fault? Oh god, could they ever be wrong????
- They are ‘entitled.’ I think the word ‘entitled’ sums a narcissist up. They think regardless of their social status, that they are ‘above’ everybody else. Whether it’s in a restaurant, their workplace, in a social occasion, whatever the occasion, they are the superior being.
- They are not capable of empathy. I think this is the biggest clue. When a friend or work colleague or anybody you know falls upon difficult times, you will notice they do not feel anything for this person. They don’t even pretend.
- They are chameleons. If you are with the narcissist long enough, you will be able to identify that they change their behaviors and personality to ‘suit’ the environment they are in.
- They are the most amazing manipulators. They manipulate anybody to achieve their outcome. Whether it’s you their partner, their work colleagues, their employees or their boss, anybody that can be of benefit to them they will manipulate them.
- They are the most cunning schemers on this planet.
- They are pathological liars. This tends to be across the board with all narcissists. They are so good at lying, they don’t bat an eyelid when you question something that doesn’t feel right. You instead believe them, until there comes a time that you have discovered solid evidence and even then they will try and baffle you, to the point you nearly believe them. This is when you can seriously question your sanity. By this point hopefully you are not married to them and you can RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
- Insanely jealous.
- They cannot cope with any criticism what so ever. If this happens in the workplace, heaven forgive the person that criticised them, as they will never forget this slight, and over time will ensure they seek revenge which they will do without empathy.
I can continue for a very long time, however the above are the most common traits of a Narcissist. As you can imagine, this does not leave much room for a loving, supportive, trusting mutually respectful relationship. It’s all one way, from you to the Narcissist who will suck you dry of all your energy, and once you have fulfilled the need they required from you.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is so confusing and damaging, and as many of my client’s tell me, ‘I wished I had been bashed, so then I could clearly display my bruises and receive some sympathy. I clearly do not want to offend anybody here who has been on the receiving end of violence, yet dealing with a narcissist is psychological warfare, like a constant torture that has you arriving at the point where you feel you are losing your mind and looking down the vortex of insanity.
Narcissists charm your friends, family, colleague’s, anybody they need to, anybody that can be an advantage for them. They are brilliant at having everybody love them, thinking they are well, just like you and I. Yet, only you and I know the truth as to the depth of harm they are capable of.
Don’t think you are crazy, as I did, find help from the right divorce coach or therapist, the one who understands exactly what you have been and may be still experiencing, as they will help and guide you as you begin to understand it is your partner ‘The Narcissist’ who is unstable not you.
If you need further help, please reach out to me at any time, as remember I have been you!