Earlier today, I found myself in the plumbing section of my local hardware store, clinging a new plunger against my chest. Tears were streaming down my face, confusing thoughts rushing through my brain and hurt in my heart.
What I’ve learned over the years is that life continues on after a marriage dissolves. People go their separate ways, start over and write new chapters.
When your ex moves on, it can be difficult. No matter how much time has passed or the extent of your healing process it can sting.
I was reminded of this today. Reality can be filled with unexpected raw emotions that stir old feelings of anger, hurt and resentment.
Standing alone amid the plungers, drains and pipes it hit me so hard. As if I was being punched in the gut. Remembering how just minutues earlier he was telling me his news, smiling and hugging my son, but all these new thoughts bombarding me.
Why does he get to have the perfect marriage, fancy house and all Amercian nuclear family that I have always dreamed of?
Why did the person who turned my life upside down, ripped apart our family and left me behind, never have to pay for his actions?
Why has it been over five years and I’ve not found a good man?
Why wasn’t I the one who remarried?
Why didn’t I get to have more babies?
Why is there another woman he wants to marry and have a family with? Wasn’t I enough?
Was there something wrong with me?
What’s wrong with me?
Why was life not fair?
Before you tell me to quit my whining please hear me out, I am not done. Tonight’s post is about as real as it will get.
When I set out to write my blog I made a promise myself to be completely transparent with all my feelings. I didn’t want to be a “How To Girl” or a “List Girl.” I am not Andy Anderson from Composure magazine, I am Cicily and I want to write about the good, the bad and the ugly of my life.
Divorce can be good, bad and ugly, all at the same time.
We all will experience this day, when you realize that your ex gets to start his life over too, no matter how the marriage ended. We ALL deserve a fresh new slate. Even one of my closest girlfriends recently discovered her husband of nearly two decades decided months after the divorce to marry a woman he barely knows. We were both dumfounded to find our exes had moved on so quickly despite their protestations against marriage in the first place.
Let me tell you, it is confusing because this man said he didn’t want to be married or ever get married again. Know that these are normal emotions and they will eventually pass. We are humans designed to feel the spectrum of emotions, ranging from joy to sorrow. We are not robots void of feelings.
I won’t lie, my views on marriage and divorce are not all rainbows and unicorns. Although I smile I am still very angry and hold little faith in marriage. While I was running today I realized just how angry I am at my ex, men, dating, marriage and divorce. I wasn’t sad about his good news, I was resentful that it wasn’t me.
With a whole lot of prayer, I am working on this area of doubt in my life. It is a process with which I am practicing kindess and patience. I never said I was perfect, I am trying to be authentic. Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither will be the rebuilding of my heart. Perhaps I will one day be ready to share my beautiful ruins with a man who is deserving of it.
Despite my time healing I still hold anger, resentment towards men and have much more room to grow. Accept that you might be hurt, confused, pissed, indifferent, etc. Embrace it, share with your loved ones, go for a run and release it. Just get that shit out of your system so you can move on. You know, life isn’t fair but no one ever promised it would be.
During my run I realized that if you can lose everything in an instant there is the possibility of gaining everything in an instant. Although, I am very happy of the good news, for my ex, his wife and our son I couldn’t help but wonder, what is God’s plan in life for me. What I am learning is that you should express joy for others even if they’ve hurt you. Be genuinely happy when good news comes to others. Eventually, one day, that just might be you.
Honestly, who knows what is around the corner? Maybe there will be a fella who will completely change my mind about love and marriage? Hell, maybe I will be CRAZY enough to get married again.
After a long run, talking to my best friend Rob in Boston and switching from the emotional part of my brain to the logical part of my brain, I reminded myself of the beautiful life that I created on my own. All the friendships I have formed, life experiences that I would have missed out on, personal growth, opportunities to travel and share my life story of HOPE with my readers.
Had it not been for my divorce my life would look very diffrerently. Maybe I would be living in a bigger home, have no financial worries and have more children, but I know the decision I had to make for myself has transformed me into the person that I am today.
I didn’t walk away with much after my marriage, but what I do have to show is my beautiful son, new found courage and my diginity. None of which have monetary worth, but are priceless to me.
Here’s the thing, if we continue looking back at what was taken from us in the past how can we possibly see the opportunities waiting for us in the future?
All you can do is give your best wishes, hold your head high and move forward in your life.
With All My Love,