List of things to do tomorrow:
- Drop off wedding dress for cleaning and preservation… 7 years later.
- Get Divorced
- Plan to take over the world. As in my world.
I am a creature of habit, deep down. I follow patterns. Some of which I am not impressed by. Some of which feel more like a threatening corn maze that I can’t really see outside of to save myself. When I look back on the last many years of my life, I find myself feeling pretty disappointed with my lack of progress. What felt like progress at one time, feels more like taking the scenic route back to my corn maze pattern through hell.
I’ve had incredibly insightful and effective therapy. I’ve made new friends. I’ve cherished old ones. I’ve made changes in my routines and my day to day living. I’ve brought more good into my life than I thought I was capable of. I’ve experienced sorrowful love and invigorating love. I’ve challenged myself, and won. I’ve set goals and exceeded them.
“I’ve put in all this work, universe! It’s ok to come beam me up out of this corn maze now!” …. Silence.
Why am I still trapped in this corn maze, on the eve of my divorce court date, after I have spent 2 years slaying dragons (and egos!) and building my kingdom?
Because I follow patterns… not because I am forced to, but because I have chosen to do so time and time again.
Because I have given myself no other option than to come back to the same starting point in my corn maze, sit down, wallow a bit and get back up, ever so valiantly, and run the maze. One more time.
Alas, there is a comfort in being trapped in your own constructed maze. It’s safe here. It keeps intruders out, and it keeps me in. I am accountable for this space and this space alone. If I am outside of it, suddenly I am accountable for much more! Better stay inside the maze and ride life out. The amenities are decent. Food is pretty good. Safe enough for the kids. No reason to bring more responsibility and accountability into my life that I will have to own up to. No one wants any of that.
Or do they?
I turn a bend in my corn maze and suddenly “pattern loving” me is toe to toe with “I hate patterns” me. There is someone in here who wants out of the corn maze. Badly. In an effort to get back to safety and away from this uncomfortable encounter…. Pattern Loving me picks up the pace a bit and starts jogging through… she can be quite efficient and impressive when tested.
Then, SMACK. Another Pattern Hater shows up. The faster Pattern Lover tries to push through and avoid the Haters, the more of them that appear. Suddenly Pattern Lover is surrounded by Pattern Haters. They are fierce, bold, honest, open and quite amazing. It’s hard to look away actually. Really… just amazing these Haters are.
And this is where I sit tonight. On Divorce Court Eve. Surrounded by Pattern Haters looking to suck the blood of the last living Pattern Lover in me and convert her into one of their kind. These Pattern Haters are so smart that they already understand that when un-opposed, they are unstoppable. The corn maze no longer stands a chance at containing them.
That one Pattern Lover… she is the Achilles heel in their synchronized Hating. She is preventing their thoughts, feelings and actions from aligning. She is preventing them from finding peace and joy. She is preventing them from breaking out of the maze, expanding, evolving, and embracing true self.
She is lovely, Pattern Lover. Just a lovely part of me, who I have been holding onto for my whole life for various reasons, mostly out of a necessity that I created in my own mind for having her around. I created her, the desire for her, the need for her and the intense feeling of panic and death if she were to ever leave. I even created her Haters.
Tonight, she is surrounded. Cornered even, in her maze. And I am ready to say goodbye.
Just because you love something, it doesn’t mean you have to hold onto it with a death grip to validate the love that you feel. You can let go, and still love. You can give it away, share it, recycle it, repurpose it even… and still allow yourself to feel the validation of loving it.
I’ve endured a tough lesson in forgiveness. I’ve resisted it for so long and watched my corn grow higher and higher above my head, until no one could see in, and I could not see out. I love this corn. It’s me. It’s my life work. It’s so warm and glowing with comfort and self validation. And in an effort to forgive my Pattern Loving self, I am going to destroy it. Doesn’t mean I never loved it. Doesn’t mean I won’t miss it from time to time. But it’s time to say goodbye to it.
Tonight I will honor the time we spent together for what it was. I will recognize the flaws in the pattern we built together and forgive myself for making them (and continuing to validate them over and over again.) I will say goodbye to Pattern Lover and Hello to the Pattern Haters who have taken over our maze and burned it to the group.
In the morning, when I wake up, I will see for miles in every direction. I will be vulnerable and unprotected and free. The Pattern Haters and I will forge ahead in this open terrain with no expectations. Only consciousness of where we are, what is in our space and where we want to be.
The rest will work itself out, every day. And we will be free. Not bound by the maze walls any longer. Free to connect, free to disconnect, free to love and laugh and be and most importantly, free to feel. Free to be allowed to feel.
Let the Free and Peaceful countdown begin!
As Pattern Lover steps up to the guillotine and we say our goodbyes, in the name of William Wallace and with similar dramatic inflection as portrayed in the movie Braveheart… we will all yell it together-